Incidents of assault, property damage and criminal mischief spiked dramatically country-wide yesterday as deal-crazed cyber shoppers clashed over Black Friday deals.
Appearing before the same judge who rebuffed his attempt to scrap as many as 700,000 votes from the Keystone State's tallies last week, Rudy Giuliani cited an 18th century law to justify his claim.
The Chicago Bears declared themselves the victors of their clash with the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football last night despite having scored six less points than their NFC North rivals.
Last Tuesday was Election Day, and now its time to learn whether your favorite political administrations are coming back!
Appearing Monday before hundreds of freezing supporters in Saugatuck, Michigan, Donald Trump held the first of dozens of newly scheduled rallies intended ostensibly to punish those who failed to re-elect him President.
Four years after its last mayoral race was decided by a single vote, the town of Felicity, California, population 2, looks to be headed for a legal battle to determine it's next municipal leader.
TUCSON, AZ - A flaming dumpster made an appearance at Tucson International Airport this afternoon, serving as the centerpiece of a mass gathering designed apparently to spread COVID-19 to as many Arizonians as possible.
For many, the product of a complex collision of primitive instinct, emotion and intellectual rationalization during these trying times has compelled them to want to continue to socialize with friends and family, but at a safe distance. If the above describes yourself accurately, the following are tips that might help you have the type of gathering that will at once satisfy and frustrate these fractured and contradictory needs combining to determine your life choices.
Arguing that no law exists that explicitly prohibits the attachment of animals to ballot receptacles, the party has claimed that the large, threatening reptile is a necessary protection against voter fraud in the predominantly liberal neighborhood.
Calling such a repeal of federal laws that prohibit the sale and possession of methamphetamines "long overdue", Trump heralded the drug's users as "real Americans".
Golly gee! What is it with people?! Its the same at my house! Flies everywhere because no one can keep the jaywalking screen door closed! And its not that hard! You walk out the door and you shut it behind you! How complicated is that?! It takes two seconds!
Despite still being in the critical stages of his fight against a COVID-19 infection, President Trump summoned his cabinet and various other staff to his hospital room at Walter Reed Medical Center this morning for an emergency meeting, before forgetting what it was he wanted to discuss.
Dressed in a cowboy hat and boots, the uncharacteristically disconsolate Trump spoke in a gravelly voice resembling that of John Dutton - the main character in the Kevin Costner drama Yellowstone, of which he is apparently a fan - in describing his plan to resolve his financial obligations with the sale of 50,000 acres of fictional land for $500 million to Market Equities, a make believe real estate development company.
Adding to her impressive legacy on the bench and as a civil rights attorney while living, the undead Ginsburg traversed the 4.5 mile distance between her grave and the SCOTUS courthouse in a little over five hours, evidently with the intention of reclaiming her position there at least throughout the upcoming election.
President Trump blamed Antifa for Hurricane Sally and other tropical storms that have wreaked devastation across the Gulf Coast region this year, claiming the left-wing group is in possession of a weather machine.
Dedicated to a focus on lifting the spirits of its readership during today's troubled times, the site appears to have been dealt a fatal blow by what officials described as an "inferno cyclone" that left its headquarters a ruin of smoldering ash yesterday.
"You'll see heat and fire like never before. You won't believe it. There'll be storms, so many storms they won't be able to name them all," he said this morning on Fox and Friends. "They'll run out of names. Mark my words. They'll be calling these storms things like 'Xylophone' and 'Pepperoni'."
Though his services came unsolicited, and despite the whole idea seeming a little strange, the heavily-armed boy standing in your driveway claims he's there for your protection.
Adding to the number of unflattering assessments coming from his own family, an entry recovered from the diary of Donald Trump's grandmother calls Trump 'a total dick'.
Though both Georgia and Florida had already eased their own complete bans to permit shooters to operate at 50% of their usual kill totals, the Lone Star State is the first to re-instate the tacit consent of unfettered gunning down of civilians as they try to go about their daily lives.