Sierra Vista, AZ—The Head of Homeland Incarceration, Sherriff Joe Aripio, is pleased to announce the opening of a Delaware-sized prison in the heart of the U.S. Sonaran desert. President Trump told the press today, “This is huge. No, really, it’s a big place. By allowing the free market to work we are shifting the management…
Rigel IV—Glacdar, head of the Orion Colonies of Galacia, alerted key world leaders today that a Galacian fleet will be reaching Earth in five solar cycles at which time its occupants will be eradicated. The Galacian overlord is citing Brexit and the election of Donald Trump as the impetus for the drastic change in foreign policy. Glacdar…
Ethiopian Pour-Over—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has posited a new and controversial theory of human bipedal development. Dr. Hogbein explains, “Early man had either some piss poor balance or a high blood alcohol content. My research supports the latter. Essentially man was forced to walk great distances in the early Pleistocene, because the pubs of the time…
Toledo, OH—One of the designated electors for Ohio is currently trapped in a Starbucks, near the laptop bar. Tensions are mounting over Monday’s electoral college vote and no where is this tension more palpable than in Toledo. Jesse Smith was enjoying her triple grande salted carmel mocha at her local Starbucks when someone shouted, “Hey, she’s one of…
In related news: Trump changes all GPS and road maps to reflect his understanding of direction.
What’s to come of spoof news in a post-truth world. It seems a tad surreal defending satire as we approach the end of our republic, but why not? This site probably won’t survive what Trump has planned for the internet anyway. 4G Notspot? Neither the folks in charge or the general public can distinguish between spoof, satire, fakeiness or…
Stay tuned for Dylan’s reaction to that “really shitty restaurant” in West L.A.
Quickly, to the Batshit signal!
“Lucifer said I am his best guy. His best. And soon my horns will be so bigly even my hair won’t be able to hide that shit.” —The Donald
Tweet Tower—In a move that many are calling passive aggressive, Trump has “changed his mind” on who he plans to have head the Environmental Protection Agency. Earlier today the President-elect announced Oklahoma Attorney General Scot Pruitt would be filling this position, but the wave of backlash prompted a series of presidential tweets and ultimately a reversal.…
Hollywood, CA—The last surviving members of the Screen Actors Guild are holed up in a an undisclosed location, where they hope to thwart the actions of the Grim Reaper for the remaining days of 2016. Death, who was recently nominated as the Times Person Of The Year, is reportedly “really trying to clench that shit.” In desperation, the film…
Paid for by the Partnership for a Republican Free America.
This isn’t about healing anymore, it’s about collapsing. I’m afraid that’s the only trick left in the republican bag of tricks. Speaking of bags, why not stuff your political party into one, light it on fire, and leave it in on someone’s porch? I would say ‘wake up’, but it’s probably best to stay asleep…
Miami, Fl—News is breaking that Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro did not die peacefully in his Havana Home as initial reports suggested. The Cuban leader was apparently trampled to death after a fight for the last pair of Bluetooth earbuds at a Walmart Supercenter in east Miami. Fidel Castro’s brother, Raul, made a statement to the press, explaining how his brother…
Shorter Sheets Already Ordered For Fiddler On The Roof Over Safety Concerns.
Cleveland, OH—Trump supporter, Benjamin Meanie, is angry with the quality of the graffiti turning up on the buildings and vehicles in his city. He vows to roam the streets correcting the spelling, grammar, and even the content of any and all pro-Trump vandalism. “I support all the bigotry and hatred, but I still long for a day…
I know these little talks haven’t helped, much ‘Murica, but hope springs eternal.