In a milestone for international space travel and cosmic cable-laying, proud astronaut Tim Peake has achieved the dream and crimped off the first ever British length on an orbital space station.
After having jettisoned his historic teddys' leg into the void 400km above earth, Tim emerged from the ablutions capsule to meet Mikhail Korniyenko.
Fears were growing last night that pandas, some as old as 5, were pooping too much from all the bamboo they eat, according to scientists.
"This is a very distressing finding with a potentially major impact on our tourism industry and our very quality of life overall," said Rolf Jonsson, a member of the Riksdag. "Sweden prides itself on a high standard of living and needs to take a very serious look at what has happened here."
Cambridge, MA – Having sex just got more expensive. Dynapork Corporation of Cambridge has been granted a patent on the process of "biological reproduction," and plans to charge licensing fees for any human wishing to engage in a "sexual act that may result in reproduction."
Traditional circular baked goods purveyors have worked hard to distinguish their products from the mainstream, primarily through products which offer increased frosting-to-face transfer.
WACO (The Barbed Wire) - Video footage from the parking lot of the Twin Peaks restaurant shows that Pee Wee Herman accidentally started the big biker fight this past weekend. Witnesses from inside the restaurant at the time say that Pee Wee had just regaled the crowd of bikers with a bad-to-the-bone performance of the "Tequila!" when the incident went south…
‘We’ve been laughed at for too long’ said Trump. ‘It’s time for follicly-challenged men everywhere to stand up and be counted. To stand tall and proud like your hair on a windy day on a championship links golf course’.
'Criminals will think twice about entering a church if they know they'll be confronted by a pastor wielding a bible in one hand and an AR-15 in the other.'
'I’m currently working with festival co-ordinators to see how we can stretch out a performance of The Lady in Red over two days.’
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.
Thousands of librarians sacked as part of Operation Austerity are creating havoc on the streets of Britain. The incidents are modest at the outset – some aggressive tutting, an occasional stare at a noisy neighbour – but quickly escalate into a frenzy of violence and sexual excess.
Ribald” is a word seldom used now. Should you not know exactly what it means, a dictionary puts it this way: “… referring to sexual matters in an amusingly rude or irreverent way.” This is all by way of saying that Amy Schumer’s summer movie is way more than just ribald.
Archaeologists working on a site just outside Athens have discovered what they believe is a hitherto unknown chapter of Plato's seminal work 'The Republic', a guide to the structure and governance of an ideal state. The discovery has sent shockwaves through the philosophical community, particularly in its description of a concept Plato calls 'tax'.
Donald Trump: the gift of loud that keeps on blaring For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes, it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump, because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring.
Big money runs today’s political game, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Check out Republican wannabe Scott Walker. Not a Republican? No problemo, amigo. Walker doesn’t check your papers. Well… except for that million-dollar check you have to write to his super PAC.
When Donald Trump came up in a search for “Top 10 Assholes of All Time,” Google apologized, saying the truth can be hard to swallow. Google has apologized after photographs of Donald Trump recently appeared in image search results for “Top 10 Assholes of All Time.”
Jeremy Corbyn took another huge step in the Labour premiership race last night with a hard fought win away from home at relegation struggler Liz Kendal.
Taliban fighter evades capture, but succumbs to gaming addiction Dec 1st, 2001 — the date Mullah Mohammad Omar fled Kandahar, Afghanistan’s second-largest city, on the back of his donkey named Kurt. As the Taliban’s supreme commander and social outings organizer, Mullah’s decision to fade into anonymity has had a heavy impact on...
A Republican Sweet Sixteen… Plus One Get to high ground everybody. Our nation is in danger of being inundated by a candidate tsunami of 17 Republicans. The Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed, Plus One. Seventeen Shades of Grey. If they used a designated pitcher they could split up into two teams and play softball.
Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable...