Satireworld

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media observed it was cold outside, and shared his observation on social media to embarrass the world's scientists. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, used his superior deductive reasoning skills to shame science and destroy the scientific theory of global climate change with his rival scientific thesis that climate change was bullshit.

President Obama nominates himself to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia. Obama states he would like to see whether Senate Republicans want to block his Supreme Court nominee more than they want him out of the White House.

McConnell continued, "I am extremely confident Senate Republicans are on track to help the GOP lose its third presidential election in a row, and maybe even a house of Congress if we play our cards just right."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, far-right radio personalities claimed the death of Justice Antonin Scalia was part of an elaborate plan concocted by the White House to appoint a liberal replacement to the Supreme Court. The notable far-right rabble rousers asserted Scalia was assassinated by a government-brainwashed bald eagle, which stealthily entered Scalia's room, suffocated him with his own pillow, and hastily flew back outside to freedom.

BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared he was angry at the United States Postal Service (USPS) for losing money every year by sending him sales flyers without charging the businesses that make them. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - loudly derided the Post Office for imagined slights against him and his fellow Americans, and completely ignored the actual causes of the organization's financial problems.

Gore remained in awe of Scalia's "strict constructionism."

"Small government and tax cuts + a sh*t infrastructure = better infrastructure," stated Mr. Basil, who drew out his plan to repair America's decaying infrastructure.

Americans in Alternate Universe 655LT8525RN support Bernadette Sanders over Hillary Clinton, who is unable to use being a woman as a political weapon there.

Most supporters of Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump criticize Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders' self-professed democratic socialism despite supporting a national socialist.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she had locked the support of 1 billion superdelegates, and demanded U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont concede. Both Clinton and Sanders remain tied at 51 actual delegates - based on actual voting - less than a week before the Democratic presidential primary election in South Carolina.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a cow dung bust of former Vice President Dick Cheney was unveiled in the Capitol Visitor Center's Emancipation Hall. The unveiling ceremony attracted the likes of former President George W. Bush and Iraqi dignitaries, who threw their shoes at both the cow dung representation of Cheney and Cheney himself.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) declared Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) had tested positive for the Fascism Virus - a mutation of the Right-wing Propaganda Virus. The CDC warned Americans the Fascism Virus was a highly-contagious airborne and electromagnetic superbug with no known cure short of a proper liberal education and being an informed citizen.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced it was changing its name to "Elect Hillary Clinton President 2016," and publicly committed itself to destroying the campaign of U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont "by any means necessary." Debbie Wasserman Schultz declared she was already using her position as chair of the DNC's successor organization to cripple the Sanders campaign by restricting its access to critical voter information it needed to contact and mobilize its supporters.

MEXICO (The Barbed Wire) - Mexican authorities are dealing with an outbreak of affluenza in their country. Recently, American Ethan Couch, who used an affluenza defense to get off easy after killing four people while driving drunk, was discovered hiding here. Now, the world's biggest drug cartel leader, widely known as "El Chapo" Guzman, is attempting to use the same excuse himself.

MANCHESTER, NH (The Barbed Wire) - Saying she has many dear friends in "The Granite State," Hillary Clinton told supporters at a rally here that if they did not deliver the state to her in next month's primary, and she went on to get elected president, she would wipe the state off the face of the map.

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man declared he was from the half of the working class that would kill the other half of the working class for a reasonable price. Thomas Basil, a Republican construction worker and married father of two, told TNA he "would be happy to take out" the other half of the working class that complained about wages, working conditions, and other labor-related matters rather than work with them to improve those conditions for everyone.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a source inside the Republican presidential campaign of loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump announced former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had been promised the position of Secretary of Defense in exchange for her endorsement of Trump for president. Trump addressed the press within minutes of the leak, and explained he did not want a Secretary of Defense who would ask questions or present any informed reality-based opposition when he ordered the use of nuclear weapons against "wherever."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton claimed a video of her blaming homeowners for the 2008 economic crash was "100% false." Clinton blamed agents of rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for creating the video of her blaming Americans for accepting subprime mortgages from predatory banks that told them they could afford to finance homes.

Numerous Fox News Channel viewers are readying their most vicious comments about former President Jimmy Carter to post online immediately after his eventual death.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Secret Service agents protecting Republican presidential candidate and xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump declared they deeply regretted their past career mistakes and choices of work enemies. The agents were confident both their professional lapses and having co-workers with axes to grind likely resulted in their protective detail assignment.