TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized rival Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for giving poor and middle class Americans "too much attention." Clinton argued Sanders was risking not only her ascension to the presidency, but the livelihoods of her friends on Wall Street by letting the poor and what's left of the middle class foolishly think they had "a chance in hell" of reversing growing income inequality.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - General Motors, a person who confessed to killing over 100 people using a defective ignition switch in automobiles it manufactured, agreed to pay $900 million yesterday. This morning, GM announced it was "very sorry" for the first degree murders it was responsible for committing over more than a decade, and asserted a trial resulting in either life in prison or the death penalty was not a realistic criminal penalty for the type of person it was.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Last night, Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly used his show "The O'Reilly Factor" to assert a video showing him kicking a puppy was "100% false." O'Reilly played the video in which he could clearly be seen kicking a puppy and blamed "the liberal media" for producing the footage.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, over two thousand analysts from the conservationist organization Help Save Republican Facts announced it still had not found a single fact voiced by any Republican presidential candidate during Wednesday's debate hosted by CNN. Help Save Republican Facts also declared 77% of its researchers were suffering from acute anxiety attacks after watching the entire second Republican debate numerous times in search of facts.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Congressional Republicans announced they were preparing for Pope Francis' Thursday morning address to a joint session of Congress. Party leaders said they had constructed a gold-plated cage for the pontiff to sit in, and collected rotten food for Republicans to throw at Pope Francis when he lectured the GOP on the seriousness of climate change, and how Republicans must stop their attacks on the poor, sick, disabled, veterans, and so many other groups.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and fired Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her desire to have the USS Ronald Reagan - a Nimitz-class supercarrier - as "a golden parachute" when Congress impeached her for gross incompetence as president. Fiorina also continued to hit back at her critics by claiming she could not be considered a failed CEO at HP due to the fact she walked away with about $21 million if she promised never to return.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This evening, Republican presidential candidate and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was ending his candidacy to destroy America's economy by means of trickle-down economics. A somber Walker asserted he had reached his decision "due to a complete lack of interest in me nationally. Heck, even the Koch brothers aren't returning my calls anymore, and I purposely destroyed Wisconsin's economy for them."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Department of Reality released a report warning Congressional Republicans a government shutdown would disrupt significant government spending and harm an already weak economy. Republicans responded to the "Shutdown Bad for Economy" report by ignoring the estimated $24 billion price tag from the 2013 government shutdown, and vowing to defund the Department of Reality for "using facts to advance a partisan agenda."

JACKSON, WYOMING (The Nil Admirari) - Former Vice President Dick Cheney announced today he was running for president and hoped to be the Republican nominee. Cheney said his presidency would strive "to complete the important work started by President George W. Bush and repair the damage President Obama has done."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, American millennials reflected on how many things needed to be fixed in the wake of their parents, which they concluded were members of the "Most Selfish Generation" in American history. Millennials realized the Most Selfish Generation was giving them "a colossal mess to clean up" due to its refusal to pay for anything it uses, its conscious decision not to invest in any future projects other than military expenditures, and its embrace of social conflicts meant to distract Americans while the super-rich rob everyone else in broad daylight and exa

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, conservative propaganda outlets led by Fox News demanded Congress declare war on Vatican City and force President Obama to invade the sovereign state in order to remove its "dangerous leftist leader" Pope Francis. The conservative rallying cry for regime change followed the pontiff's address to a joint session of Congress and his criticism of the greed of unrestricted capitalism, the dangerous ignorance of climate change doubters, and the lack of compassion for, and government support of, society's most vulnerable groups - like the poor.

BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA (The Nil Admirari) - Speaking at a Republican fundraiser earlier today Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced how disappointed he was with many conservative politicians in the country for running away from the fight to allow bigoted religious Americans to decline service to the LGBT community. A GOP candidate for president, Jindal gave Americans a preview of what his campaign's vision for the county would look like by unveiling his "Separate and Unequal Social Policy."

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man with serious health problems and crippling medical debt announced Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont may have progressive policy solutions to help him avoid financial ruin, disability, and death, but he disliked Sanders' record on guns. Thomas Basil, a construction worker and married father of two, cited Sanders' NRA rating of "D-" as the reason why he openly supported Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump, "who always says what is on his mind..."

THE PENTAGON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter defended the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter from critics who claimed the aircraft's wings randomly falling off was "a serious and potentially dangerous design flaw." Lockheed Martin announced it was "looking into the alleged wing malfunction," and would require "no less than another billion or so" to remedy what it classified as "a low-priority design glitch."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the corporate media in the United States announced it was "upset" unapproved Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont was "doing well," and seemed to be reaching Americans with his populist progressive message despite their overt efforts to pretend he did not exist. The decidedly right-wing corporate media also asserted it was "shocked" the narrative for the presidential election was not going the way it had planned, as Sanders continued to beat Hillary Clinton in various polls.

MOREHEAD, KENTUCKY (The Nil Admirari) - Last week, a bigoted Kentucky woman who has been breaking federal law and disrespecting the supreme authority of the Constitution since late June - all because she hates "the gays" - was awarded a plaque by a well-known national bigoted organization for being a prominent bigot in 2015. Today, the notable bigot displayed her bigot plaque in the office where she continued to not do her job, and returned to making a mockery of the rule of law while she hid behind her religion to continue being bigoted.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Congressional Teabagger Caucus warned Americans it would punish the poor, sick, elderly, veterans, starving children, and many other groups if Democrats and President Obama did not allow teabaggers to punish women by defunding Planned Parenthood. The right-wing extremist faction of the Republican Party - the self-proclaimed "party of fiscal responsibility" - assured all Americans it would disrupt benefits to the most vulnerable members of American society, and actually cost taxpayers more money by shutting down the government in less than two days...

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT-03) denounced Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards' "uncooperative attitude" during the Planned Parenthood hearing earlier today. Chaffetz and his male Republican peers were very critical of Richards for denying that abortion led to an "angry, raging vagina" that killed the stork created by God to deliver the child to its parents.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Fox Entertainment Group, Inc. apologized for any confusion and announced Fox News was not a news network and never had been. The parent company of the non-news network declared Fox News was actually a bold reality show giving Americans a live look into the world of people so mentally ill they needed to reside in a mental health facility for the safety of others and themselves.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the White House refused to confirm reports the United States military had started to slowly back away from Syria immediately after Russia started airstrikes in the war-torn country. President Obama declared he "really hoped" brutal Syrian President Bashar al-Assad would not be saved by his Russian ally President Putin, but also confessed, "it would not be the worst thing in the world if Russia was left holding the bag in Syria."