TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton claimed a video of her blaming homeowners for the 2008 economic crash was "100% false." Clinton blamed agents of rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for creating the video of her blaming Americans for accepting subprime mortgages from predatory banks that told them they could afford to finance homes.

FLINT, MICHIGAN (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Governor of Michigan Rick Snyder (R) declared he was surprised the citizens of Flint had not arranged a parade to honor his quick response to them being poisoned by largely untreated water from a polluted source his hand-selected emergency manager had chosen. Snyder touted his rapid, nearly-two-years-in-the-making response to Flint citizens complaining about their toxic drinking water almost immediately after the city was forced by austerity measures to switch its public water source to the Flint River in April of 2014.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton drew a contrast with U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont by telling supporters her rival was the son of Soviet Union dictator Joseph Stalin. Clinton also accused Sanders of being a sleeper agent, and part of a long-term communist conspiracy started by Stalin to seize control of the United States.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin announced her daughter Bristol was pregnant for a third time, and blamed President Obama for destroying the Christian values of America and not stopping men from getting her daughter "babyfied." All three of Bristol Palin's children will have a different father, and none one of those fathers are married to Bristol, despite Sarah Palin's heavily espoused conservative Christian values.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a source inside the Republican presidential campaign of loose cannon billionaire Donald Trump announced former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin had been promised the position of Secretary of Defense in exchange for her endorsement of Trump for president. Trump addressed the press within minutes of the leak, and explained he did not want a Secretary of Defense who would ask questions or present any informed reality-based opposition when he ordered the use of nuclear weapons against "wherever."

FLINT, MICHIGAN (The Nil Admirari) - Michigan Governor Rick Snyder's new bottled water company, Flint River Water, has the slogan "Good Enough for Flint, Good Enough for America." Snyder boasts the quality chloride-fortified bottled water is a testament to him running government like a business and cutting costs at the expense of public health and safety.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Democratic presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed up last night's debate by asserting its candidate would make sure Americans continued to be unable to "have nice things." Secretary Clinton addressed the press this morning and explained her wealthy donors would never allow her to give all Americans healthcare as a human right, effectively regulate the financial sector, solve mass incarceration causes like for-profit prisons and mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses, and a whole host of other things...

SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a Massachusetts man declared he was from the half of the working class that would kill the other half of the working class for a reasonable price. Thomas Basil, a Republican construction worker and married father of two, told TNA he "would be happy to take out" the other half of the working class that complained about wages, working conditions, and other labor-related matters rather than work with them to improve those conditions for everyone.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, dozens of senior staffers working for Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush announced the former Governor of Florida was ignoring their hints it was well past time to suspend his lackluster presidential campaign. Bush's campaign staff explained they continued to make "mistakes" like including Jeb Bush on e-mails containing their resumes for the review of other Republican presidential contenders, but had failed to reach the governor with their passive-aggressive behavior.

Tonight, the Fox Business Network will be hosting yet another debate involving the Republican presidential candidates. TNA has identified these 20 questions as the ones most likely to be asked:

1. How weak and pathetic do you think President Barack Obama has been at everything he has done while in the White House? If possible, rank him on a scale of zero to zero.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and empathy-handicapped billionaire Donald Trump criticized Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for completely lacking a policy on how to combat comedian and actress Rosie O'Donnell. Trump called Sanders' lack of a policy regarding O'Donnell "shameful" while asserting Rosie was "a fat pig," "a clear and present danger to the United States," and she should probably be nuked from outer space.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was considering switching to the Republican Party to run for president, which she believed would greatly increase her chances of being in the general election due to the party's "facts-optional policy." Clinton blamed the need to consider becoming a Republican on her Democratic rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who had recently surged ahead of Clinton in polls of likely Democratic primary caucus-goers and voters in Iowa and New Hampshire, resp

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and autocratic billionaire Donald Trump announced anyone who wanted to attend his rallies would need to take an oath of loyalty to him, and either show guards what he called a "Trump Obedience Tattoo" or be willing to get such a tattoo on the spot. Trump explained the new policies were the result of protesters ruining the atmosphere at numerous rallies, and asserted he was "hugely proud" of the obedience tattoo design with its two lightning bolts.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Governor of Oklahoma Mary Fallin declared the staggering increase in the frequency and strength of earthquakes in Oklahoma was not caused by hydraulic fracturing conducted by the oil and gas industry, but by an insidious gopher infestation. Fallin pledged to eradicate the earthquake-causing gophers, but warned citizens their state had likely been irreversibly damaged by the furry tunnelers and may permanently unseat California as the most earthquake-prone state in the Lower 48.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Federal Reserve confirmed the trillions of dollars it had printed and handed over to the financial sector to stimulate the economy since the 2008 financial crisis went almost exclusively to the richest Americans - and stayed there making them even wealthier. The Fed dubbed the unsustainable shadow economy it was running the "Weekend at Bernie's Economy" due to all of the strings it had to continue to pull in order to make it look like the economy was alive and working well for everyone when it only benefited... extremely rich investors.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, TNA released the results of a study on what would happen if a federal building was seized by a group of armed Black Americans last weekend. Its conclusion was if such a group seized a federal building and its members dared federal authorities to attack them their funerals would be ending right about now.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for "picking on" her bankster friends who run the financial institutions responsible for the 2008 economic crisis. Clinton took serious issue with Sanders' plan to break up commercial and investment banks, because that would prevent her bankster pals from using the bank deposits of regular Americans to make extremely risky investments and stick American taxpayers with the bill when they lose big.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the U.S. Department of Reality released a report that concluded seizing a federal building and daring federal agents to attack you in order to incite a deadly confrontation were almost certainly acts of terrorism and treason. This conclusion was inevitable, regardless of why the federal building was seized.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Congressional Republicans announced they would use American tax dollars to build new schools when the buildings could be dropped on people and explode. Republicans were unwilling to even discuss funding the construction of any new schools until they could meet the needs of perpetual war.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the results of a TNA study on American kids who lived in poverty and routinely went hungry discovered over 80% of the starving kids were happy to not be "takers" and miss entire meals so the wealthy could receive more tax cuts. The hungry children saw malnourishment as their patriotic duty, and remained cautiously optimistic that decades of tax cuts for the wealthy would soon allow money to trickle down to the poor, as well as stop austerity measures pushed by Republicans that refuse to fund wasteful programs designed to feed starving children.