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WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Finally explaining their unexplainable actions in Congress since the midterm elections last November, House and Senate leaders announced today that they were "transpolitical," meaning they consider themselves to be a member of both political parties.

SPOKANE (The Barbed Wire) - Ethnically confused NAACP chapter president Rachel Dolezal resigned her position today amid the controversy over her not knowing which race she belongs to. Coincidentally, two other organizations revealed today that they have each received applications for positions of authority from someone with a similar name.

One Suit, Two Suit, Red Suit, Blue Suit By Dr. Zeus One pantsuit Two pantsuit Red pantsuit Blue pantsuit Black pantsuit Blue pantsuit Old pantsuit New pantsuit This one has a little stain This one will repel the rain Say! What a lot of Pantsuits there are. Yes, some are red and some are blue…

LONDON (The Barbed Wire) - British solo artist and former lead singer for The Smiths, Morrissey, said today he thinks President Obama is "white inside" because he doesn't seem to care more about black youths who are having run-ins with police. To deal with his anguish, he says he's thinking about writing a depressing song…

CUPERTINO, CA (The Barbed Wire) - At Monday's Apple developers convention, a new function of the Apple Watch was announced that could let the world in on a dirty little secret - should the information ever go public. The Apple Watch, a device that will eventually perform so many functions and will know so much about us that it will become the closest thing to a deity that most people have ever known, will actually track and record a user’s masturbation schedule, frequency, intensity, and location.

PALMYRA, SYRIA (The Barbed Wire) - It appears the remodeling bug has hit the terror group ISIS in the Middle East. The group recently signed a deal with HGTV for a show in which a camera crew will follow the terrorists around to various locales as they turn the once historically rich region into the world's biggest sandbox.

ORLANDO, FL (The Barbed Wire) - The Marco Rubio presidential campaign was rocked to its core today after the New York Times broke the shocking story that the Florida senator has received four traffic citations in the past eighteen years. Rubio and his inner circle are huddling tonight, in full damage control mode, to try and decide whether his presidential run should move forward.

WACO (The Barbed Wire) - Video footage from the parking lot of the Twin Peaks restaurant shows that Pee Wee Herman accidentally started the big biker fight this past weekend. Witnesses from inside the restaurant at the time say that Pee Wee had just regaled the crowd of bikers with a bad-to-the-bone performance of the "Tequila!" when the incident went south…