An organizer of this year’s Oscar ceremony says they will invite as many black people as possible to avoid the night looking like a Kenny Chesney concert.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admiari) - Tonight, psychopathic Iowans - largely of the evangelical persuasion - rallied to deliver Canadian psychopath U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas a win in the state's Republican caucus. The ultra-conservative Iowans barely rejected psychopathic billionaire Donald Trump for lacking the correct mixture of moral superiority and seething bigotry devoid of all empathy.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) confirmed he was just as bad at his job as his predecessor, because the federal government was almost certain to shut down at the end of the week. Ryan asserted he may actually be worse than Boehner due to his over willingness to allow ultra-extreme-right-wing Republicans to have their Teabagger tantrum over Planned Parenthood and Obamacare, and callously harm veterans, the elderly, the poor, at-risk children, the sick and disabled, and many other groups that depend on government assistance simply to survive.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released a report following its consultation with Second Amendment experts from every academic corner of the United States regarding the "well regulated militia." The scholars confirmed the Second Amendment was not referring to treasonous militias formed in a friend's backyard to overthrow the government, but well-regulated militias run by state governments.
NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, an American society boasting informed, healthy citizens dismissed the rantings of Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists, who either denied the December 14th, 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School took place, or asserted it was a false flag operation perpetrated by the federal government as a pretext to seize guns. Americans united against such naked extremism, because their society was not rotting from the inside out due to racial and religious conflicts stoked by the rich and exacerbated by protracted catastrophic economic...
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, TNA released the results of a survey of Donald Trump supporters to discover their primary reason for supporting the billionaire Republican presidential candidate. Just over 93% of the surveyed Trump supporters confessed they wanted "someone cool" to have a few drinks with prior to a busy night of assaulting suspected Muslims, as well as anyone seemingly not white, Christian, and/or American enough.
NEW YORK CITY (The Barbed Wire) - According to Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, the giant snowstorm named Jonas that is pounding the East Coast this weekend is God's punishment for the snub of black artists for this years Oscars by the voters from what he called the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Racists.
HOLLYWOOD (The Barbed Wire) - All the controversy surrounding the lack of diversity in the Oscar acting nominations for the second year in a row has caused voters in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to make a couple of last minute changes. Rachel Dolezal has been added to the Best Actress category nominations for her portrayal of a black woman working for the NAACP.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she thought her favorability among Americans would improve if she attacked U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for championing policies most Americans supported. Clinton dismissed criticism she was using the same strategy utilized by her 2008 campaign, which resulted in Clinton losing the Democratic presidential nomination to then-U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Sempra Energy declared the uncontrolled, gargantuan natural gas leak at its Aliso Canyon Oil Field was actually releasing desperately needed methane into Earth's atmosphere. The parent corporation of Southern California Gas Company (SoCal) asserted methane was "like vitamins for the atmosphere," and that over 2 million tons of vitamins had been dispatched since the leak started on October 23rd, 2015.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, 9-1-1 operators across the country announced they were bracing themselves for a sharp rise in calls related to shattered television and computer screens during the Republican presidential primary debate tonight. Virtually all 9-1-1 operators and heightened numbers of first responders will be working tonight, and both groups expected injuries like lacerations, severe blood loss, electrocutions, and wounds filled with glass, among many others.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA survey found Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surging with Americans harboring low expectations and no ambition for a better future. Clinton held a dominant lead over her primary rival - U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - with the support of 87% of Americans who expected no improvement in their circumstances while she was president.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accepted the Democratic presidential nomination after barely winning Iowa in the closest caucus in the state's history to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, who has been characterized as unelectable. Political observers called Clinton's acceptance of the Democratic presidential nomination "bold and slightly premature."
"Forty-three percent of American voters are very disturbed by Bernie Sanders, because they see his honesty and consistent record as something comparable to a dragon or a unicorn," explained Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider, who noted dragons and unicorns were viewed less favorably than Sanders and more favorably than Hillary Clinton.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reminded Americans the speaking fees and other forms of compensation she had received from Wall Street were completely legal. Secretary Clinton's public service announcement was her response to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont accusing her of corruption and being a pawn of Wall Street, which he repeated during their debate last night.
"The F-35 can be utilized about twelve times every year. In between these missions it will require weeks of maintenance to address the damage it sustained from being exposed to direct sunlight, rain, wind, and the Earth's atmosphere," explained Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter.
"Just look at how much fun this walrus is having," stated Palin, who sat in a golf cart wrapped in what appeared to be chicken wire while the flippered marine mammal she named Buttercup growled, grunted, and whistled.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton repeated her belief that being a woman was a professional qualification for the presidency, and told women they must vote for her because she is also a woman. In doing so, Secretary Clinton's logic inadvertently told American women they must also vote for the likes of Sarah Palin and Carly Fiorina simply because they were also women, which automatically made them qualified for the presidency.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama announced he was very concerned Democratic presidential hopeful U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont would actually give all American citizens healthcare as a human right. Obama explained former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was his Democratic presidential contender of choice, because he wanted a successor who would not make him look bad.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she was genuinely surprised so many Americans still recalled her close friend and foreign policy counselor Henry Kissinger was a war criminal guilty of genocide. Clinton also confessed she was not surprised U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her chief rival - remembered former Secretary of State Kissinger was a horrible person directly responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent people due to Sanders being "very, very old."