Philmaggitti

President-elect Donald Trump said yesterday that he wants to see English become the official language in all fifty states. "We must not allow ourselves to become a nation of Babels, like Canada, or Hawaii, which has two official languages: English and Kenyan,” said Mr. Trump.

Buried among several tweets that fat-shamed Lena Dunham, called Michelle Obama's mental health into question, and suggested that one of Michelle's daughters might be pregnant, Mr. Trump’s pot-for-pets recommendation ...

The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not.

Facebook is a festering boil on the right butt cheek of humanity, largely because Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg is a sushi-loving Nancy boy who squats to pee. Not content with giving Fuck Bookers 49 more gender choices (51) than they needed (2), Zipper Boy stuffed twenty additional gender choices up the alt-right's ass. We are, indeed, spoilt for choice. Lucky us.

In his ongoing quest to delegitimize Donald Trump’s presidency, Michael Moore is now urging Americans to flush their toilets en masse when Mr. Trump takes the oath of office on inauguration day.

President-elect Donald J. Trump has appointed the Grammar Prick to the newly created cabinet post of Secretary of Grammar and Usage, which will replace the moribund Department of Education. Mr. Prick is legendary for his animadversions against those who violate the rules of polite discourse ...

D’Aryll Scott-Jones, HMFIC of Black Lives Matter, called for immediate boycotts yesterday of all websites “that allow white supremacists to hide behind blank, lily-white avatars in their comments sections.” Mr. Scott-Jones made his remarks to National Public Radio’s Terri Gross.

Barack Hussein Obama, America’s putative first black president, is a man who knows how to sell a contradiction; but just as no man is a hero to his valet, Barack Hussein is no hero to his white half, who prefers to be known as Barry, the name Barack Hussein preferred before he discovered his “existential blackness.”

Rolling Stones poltergeist and guitarist Keith Richards, 73, celebrated his birthday today by announcing his support for Donald J. Trump when "those cats at the electoral college meet to elect a president tomorrow." Mr. Richards, who is 142 in Smirnoff years ...

The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—admitted today that he “never saw this election coming. I saw Brexit coming, I predicted the immigration mess in Europe, and I’ve called the last six Dancing with the Stars winners and runners up, but Mr. Trump?”

'Twas the night before Xmas and Hillie was drunk, while Huma was belching and shaving her skunk. Fat Rosie O'Donnell was cleaning a rug, not thinking of Donald and his fugly mug.

Born That Way, a militant, self-described “queer rights” group, condemned the recent engagement of two fellows named Michael and Jake at halftime of a Chicago Bulls home game. The stunt went down a treat with members of the OMG fainting-couch community.

Black Lives Matter (BLM) has demanded that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning apologize to Dallas Cowboys black quarterback Dak Prescott for “disrespecting the brother” following the Giants 10-7 home victory over the Cowboys last Sunday.

Like it or not, and the Pug Bus decidedly likes it, we live in the glorious dawn of the era of the alt-right: short-back-and-sides haircuts, Breitbart hoodies, Dr. Martens footwear, a rediscovered fondness for Nietzsche, a spike in the sales of German kitsch, and 89.5 million Google hits in a 0.43-second “alt-right” search.

I got nothing against children. They're often cute, and if we're lucky, they grow into human beings instead of progressive butt wipes. What does fry my alt-right ass (apart from a stack of burning Korans about four feet high) is the effect that kids have on the people who create them or who go out and adopt a trendy baby of color, which is, I suspect, a way for some people to signal they're ashamed of being white.

Postcards from the Pug Bus, the alt-right’s favorite satire site, is now an official sanctuary website. As long as bat-shit-crazy college professors inflict their political views on their students, as long as the homonazis try to destroy a small business owner’s livelihood for making a perfectly legal decision . . . the Pug Bus is their digital home on the web.

Thirty-six years ago today my favorite progressive was murdered. John Winston Lennon was the kind of person who wasn't afraid to take off his clothes and stand up for what he thought was right. I think more progressives ought to follow his lead. Enough with all this pearl clutching and fainting, my fellow Americans, let's see what you've got there—and there, too..

Gemstones, colors, fish entrails, and power phrases are not the only astrological influences guiding our destinies. In fact, the vehicles we drive are the engines that really drive our happiness.

Fresh off its revelation of the Democrat’s blueprint for attacking Jeff Sessions—Donald Trump’s choice for attorney general—WikiLeaks revealed this morning the identity of Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016: The White Half of Barack Obama.

Huffington Post scribbler Cole Delbyck has vowed never to watch Last Tango in Paris again. He put on his big-boy pants and proudly announced his resolve in a mawkish exercise in virtue signaling entitled, “That Famous Rape Scene In ‘Last Tango in Paris’ Was In Fact Not Consensual, Director Says.”