"Ten out of ten for purr-severance. Geddit?" Jimmy Popper, Puns Correspondent, CNN
The Mr Bean continues.
"Tiger, you say there's a man trapped down by the boat yard? He's being held by Russians and only has an hour to live? OK, lead on little man. I'll be right behind you." Kent Rugby, Tarzan's Everywhere CEO
Jimmy Pollsters, of Pollsters, Pollsters And Pollsters (Great Britain), who predicted a comfortable win for pollsters in the latest referendum, was unavailable for comment last night 'whilst his latest cheque was being cleared', his assistant told this newspaper.
"It would have been funnier if he had got the hiccups during that. Is he playing for laughs or not?" Harry Zonderblurb, Fast Talker
"She be no Tarzan. Tarzan would be all like 'come here and wrestle, man'. Jeez." Kent Rugby, Tarzan's Everywhere CEO
"That's a purdy amount for a whole kin load of folk." Kent Rugby, Down With The Kids
"In all fairness they've probably removed the panther's teeth, but it would made a nasty sucky gum mark."
"Do eggs come out the right way if the chicken lays like that? This video asks more questions than it answers.." Jessie Krufts, Questioner
Project Cockeyed Optimists topped the polls this week for the first time with 55% of voters saying they supported it.
The pound slumped and shares ricocheted off the walls in certain places on the downward spiral of financeageddon.
The pound slumped and shares ricocheted off the walls in certain places on the downward spiral of financeageddon.
"Yeah, not quite Mary Poppin's bag is it? Come back when you can get one pulling a large pot plant out of her mouth."
"The slow golfer guys in front have been making up stories about a Jurassic sized Gator slowing them down for years. It had to happen eventually."
Warnings that Crazy Golf will be one of the worst affected sports if Britain decides to leave Europe were raised once again today in a press conference in Brussels.
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 - Feb 17)
You are right to mistrust your instincts at times, however you are wrong to mistrust them all the while this month. Whilst it is true that the accuracy of your instinct will be down to about 5% at times this June, it will also rise to 22.76% for a while, which is approaching best ever territory.
You are right to mistrust your instincts at times, however you are wrong to mistrust them all the while this month. Whilst it is true that the accuracy of your instinct will be down to about 5% at times this June, it will also rise to 22.76% for a while, which is approaching best ever territory.
"I agree, the first guy was a bit letchy. The second guy though was a little bit too cute for this reviewer. 3.5/10" Harry Zonderblurb, Film Reviewer
"I love watching people with hairy faces laugh." Fred Flunkee, Hirsute Fan
Warnings to British property owners couldn't become more stark last night with latest estimates that up to 100% of British owned homes will fall down if the country votes to leave the EU next month.
"Ew. I hate it when there's nose hair on my bells." Harry Zonderblurb, Pornographer
LeMonade: MI5, the British security service that came to fame in the James Bond movies, are so paranoid that the country will vote to leave Europe on 23rd June that they tried to put a bug in Boris Johnson's hair, according to an insider Brexit supporter.
A man claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto, the inventor of Bitcoin, has come forward, bringing the number of people coming forward claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto this week to thirty-two, a record.