For every young gazelle killed by a lion for food, a puppy, too, must also be sacrificially exsanguinated by Steve Bannon to the Dark King of Babylon.
I'll lay it down for you real quick: the secret reason why you need to cover your mouth when you yawn is a spooky, ghoulish man named Poppin' Pete.
What's so funny about old people? Watching them stave off death one workout at a time, they don't appreciate things like the Senior Menu, and more.
My uncle's Osprey Xenith 105 backpack would've been perfect, if only he hadn't decided to post "We should nuke the entire middel east!!!!" on Facebook.
Put on your "I survived 2016 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt, get yourself together, and start getting lucky in the new year.
What Michelle needs to realize is that I’m not here to waste my time. But until she texts back, that's exactly what I'll be doing.
While it may not make for polite conversation on Christmas morning, it’s important nonetheless that you understand, Harry Potter is a degenerate psychopath.
Starting a band takes a lot of time, practice, and self-loathing. You truly need to hate yourself to get into the state of mind necessary for writing profound, echoing lyrics.
Some nights I lie awake, wondering, is my son a nancy ass? Now, I fear the worst?: that he harbors dreams of a future in social work.
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.
I have a confession to make: I'm the man behind the Incredible Hulk. But I've gotten older and my angry shenanigans have become tiresome over the years.
We all know abortion is wrong. Bad. But sometimes the mother is so disgusting and fat from being pregnant, we really don't want that baby.
Many Americans are nervous that Donald Trump is violating long-held democratic norms. Here's how to navigate the ins and outs of your new, failed state.
The postage wouldn’t stop coming and my uncle moved us into a motel, but the wizarding world still found me.
I've seen every dog under the sun (to my knowledge), so I thought why not deliver a little lesson in "Dog 101."
I will dispel the pseudo-socialist notion that the Messiah is from the same place as Wilmer Valderrama by shout-typing my evidence in your face.
Valentine's Day seduction tips so that one day she may say, “Yes.” From someone who has never been in a relationship (for obvious reasons).
As you get older, more of your acquaintances will die, and you'll get better at saying the right things in public. But the first time it happens, it's a little awkward.
Why does a beautiful girl like me only have 37 friends? Because I'm selective, that's why. Just click "confirm" already.
Seven ways our left-wing fellow citizens aren't that different from you or me, the Trump-supporting majority.