A Warrington man has agreed to finally wash a pan used for lasagne after only 8 days of soaking. The move comes after his wife threatened to leave. ‘Women don’t understand the value of thorough soaking’, explained the man. ‘She wanted me to scrub it clean using something called ‘elbow grease’. I’ve googled it and it doesn’t bloody exist’.
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A 36 year old man is ‘determined’ to filter out extraneous information so that he can recall those parts of the weather forecast which might be relevant to his life. “I always intend to remember the forecast”, he told reporters, “but then it goes on and on about fronts in Northern Ireland and the overnight...
e ghost of James Buchanan, 15th president of the USA, has asked the world to be patient and see how things pan out with Donald Trump. Buchanan, who served one term from 1856 to 1860, failed to prevent the slide to civil war due to his own inertia and pigheaded lack of vision. Most analysts have ranked him plum last of the 43 presidents to date in almost every respect.
‘Four years is a long time, people can change,’ Buchanan’s disembodied spirit said, while wandering disconsolately around a graveyard in rural Pennsylvania and saying ‘wooooo’ for no obvious reason. ‘For instance, I came into o
‘Four years is a long time, people can change,’ Buchanan’s disembodied spirit said, while wandering disconsolately around a graveyard in rural Pennsylvania and saying ‘wooooo’ for no obvious reason. ‘For instance, I came into o
A Saffron Walden man was said to be 'comfortable but traumatised' in hospital after a dogged attempt to stick to established norms and expectations of behaviour when in a public convenience.
Tony McGough, 34, entered the 3-urinal, 3 cubicle prefab on the High Street just after 2 pm on Wednesday. Opting for the far-left cubicle for a scheduled dump, McGough immediately began to back out when he found an unflushed shit in the pan along with considerable collateral skids on the sides of the porcelain.
Tony McGough, 34, entered the 3-urinal, 3 cubicle prefab on the High Street just after 2 pm on Wednesday. Opting for the far-left cubicle for a scheduled dump, McGough immediately began to back out when he found an unflushed shit in the pan along with considerable collateral skids on the sides of the porcelain.
The USA is to offer legal protection for straw men. The Truth Recalibration Act 2017, will make it a criminal offence to attack a straw man and will also enshrine the evidential value of bogeymen, homunculi and Texas sharpshooters.
‘Some parties have not aged well.’ said NSA special advisor Luke Mitchell. ‘Whereas Labour was once fresh, energetic and full of goodness, they now smell of stale urine. Millions more votes have been wasted on parties like UKIP that have gone off completely, or are not yet ready, like the Greens.’
Noting that the Earth is at the end of an interglacial period that has seen the creation of many major mountains, such as Mount Everest, named after the double glazing company, Mount Snowden, named after the contractor who spilled NSA information to WikiLeaks and Ysgyryd Fawr in Wales, named after Spit the Dog, scientists have questioned the value of Mountain Rescue teams.
After an improbable leadership victory last season, the Premiership’s strugglers have chosen to part company with ‘the bearded wonder’. This is despite Corbyn having defied critics and bookies to take socialist ideas to the top of a league, a league usually dominated by ‘capitalist scum’ like Man City, Man Utd and George Osborne. Known as...
President Donald Trump announced that under his leadership he fully expects the United States to finally exit the British Empire “within months”. The Colonies issued notice of intention to leave following a referendum in 1776, but negotiations have not proceeded as quickly as was expected, with many blaming the British Empire for playing hardball on...
In a frank interview today Lord Kerr, one of the architects of the Lisbon Treaty and the individual responsible for writing Article 50, admitted that Liz Truss ‘probably understands the article better than everyone, seeing as she scanned through it quickly a couple of days ago.’ He also suspects that Ms Truss has a better...
As well as resembling Clattenburg, the duck's arse is thought to have a comparable level of football knowledge and ability to pay attention what the players around it are doing.
'It all started when me and Spicey were watching Melissa McCarthy's portrayal of him,' said President Trump today. 'He thought they went too far and it would be funnier if they toned it down. But I thought 'Why don't you actually attack the press with your podium like she does?''
So called 'Fake satire' websites such as BBC News and CNN have been entertaining readers with hilarious quotes from Donald Trump and stories of Britain's attempt to negotiate its exit from the EU, even though they claim that they are merely reporting what they call 'reality'.
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Trump’s spokeswoman explained that the President, Michael Gove, Murdoch, Jerry Hall, Steve Bannon and an anonymous man in a Ku Klux Klan robe played ‘an innocent game of squeak piggy squeak. During the game each ultra-conservative took turns to sit on blindfolded victim while discussing world domination of 'the many by the few', in a society where truth was negotiable.
Having already scraped the Trans-Pacific trade pact, Mr. Trump swore to only sign future agreements on parchment made from human skin and with the blood of ‘liberals’. One eyewitness, who saw the President complete the summoning, said: ‘I saw a scaly, rubbery-looking body, with prodigious claws and an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers…and next to him was Cthulhu!’.
In a shocking and unprecedented 'unpresidented' move, Donald Trump announced on Fox News that he is going to use his vast experience with blowing off creditors to handle the nearly $8 trillion owed by the US to China, Japan and Wonga. Trump declared a National Patriotic Debt Amnesia Day; fitting for a man whose hard drive is wiped clean every morning with breakfast.
Reports that President Donald Trump (70) once read a book have dismayed his supporters and angered his aides. ‘I’m disgusted,’ said ex-steel worker Mitch Mitchell of Bethlehem, Pennsylvannia. ‘I thought the President was one of us and was going to drain the swamp of these book-reading dudes.’
President Trump, speaking through his spokesperson Sean Spicer, has announce a revolutionary plan to deal with Global Warming, if such a thing does exist. According to Spicer, "people" have told the President that a limited nuclear exchange will throw enough particulate up into the atmosphere to block the sun's rays and cool the earth for years.