... PlatinumSachs CEO Maximilian "Moneybags" Goldsucker, whom Clinton claimed she wrestled to the ground only seconds after the American economic crisis in 2008, does not exist.
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"All corporate media outlets must continue to push the narrative Hillary Clinton has already won against the hopeless presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders, who we now believe to be an undead creature of darkness," stated the unsigned memo.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accused U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont - her sole Democratic rival - of sexism for his conduct in last night's debate in Flint, Michigan. Clinton asserted Sanders' refusal to allow her to interrupt him while he was speaking showed him to be an unabashed sexist.
"So Americans need to just forget the idea of higher education funded by the government and a tax on Wall Street speculation. We can't afford to do it, because my foreign policy is going to be pretty expensive in blood and treasure," explained Clinton.
"Wall Street projects Hillary Clinton will win the Democratic presidential nomination, and the White House in November. The people at Goldman Sachs and other highly reputable financial organizations are pretty good at manipulating numbers," declared a smirking Lloyd Blankfein.
"Upon further questioning, 51% of Republicans disclosed they believe the time spent on Trump's penis was important, because they are pretty sure Hillary Clinton does not have a penis," said Schneider.
"Republicans need to stop being the same suckers I convinced to support me in 2012," said a fully aflame Romney.
McConnell continued, "Donald Trump can be president of the moon, because he sure as hell isn't going to be the Republican presidential nominee. Idiotic Republican voters have forced us to take this action."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - In a shocking move today, Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont doubled down on his decision to continue his campaign for the presidency after a crushing loss in South Carolina to his rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Sanders baffled political experts by remaining in the Democratic presidential primary even though there were only 46 primary states remaining.
The KKK election official continued, "The Ku Klux Klan believes Donald Trump will make America great again, and the KKK strongly believes that greatness lasted from 1861 to 1865 when the South became the Confederate States of America to defend slavery."
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the United States deported dozens of unaccompanied, and very frightening, child refugees back to the war zones around the world they had fled from. The child refugees were expected to spread tales of American bravery for as long as they remained alive.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, a number of Republicans demanded President Obama and his family vacate the White House so the residence could be prepared for the next president. Republicans asserted the whole interior of the White House needed to be repainted, among other things, and such tasks would be much easier if the Obamas were no longer living there.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she had locked the support of 1 billion superdelegates, and demanded U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont concede. Both Clinton and Sanders remain tied at 51 actual delegates - based on actual voting - less than a week before the Democratic presidential primary election in South Carolina.
Most supporters of Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump criticize Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders' self-professed democratic socialism despite supporting a national socialist.
"Small government and tax cuts + a sh*t infrastructure = better infrastructure," stated Mr. Basil, who drew out his plan to repair America's decaying infrastructure.
Governor of South Carolina Nikki Haley says she hopes her state will convince Jeb Bush to drop out of the Republican presidential race so the GOP establishment can try to stop Donald Trump from ripping the party apart.
Americans in Alternate Universe 655LT8525RN support Bernadette Sanders over Hillary Clinton, who is unable to use being a woman as a political weapon there.
Gore remained in awe of Scalia's "strict constructionism."
BROCKTON, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a Massachusetts man with a record of following right-wing media declared he was angry at the United States Postal Service (USPS) for losing money every year by sending him sales flyers without charging the businesses that make them. Thomas Basil - a Republican, construction worker, and married father of two - loudly derided the Post Office for imagined slights against him and his fellow Americans, and completely ignored the actual causes of the organization's financial problems.
WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, far-right radio personalities claimed the death of Justice Antonin Scalia was part of an elaborate plan concocted by the White House to appoint a liberal replacement to the Supreme Court. The notable far-right rabble rousers asserted Scalia was assassinated by a government-brainwashed bald eagle, which stealthily entered Scalia's room, suffocated him with his own pillow, and hastily flew back outside to freedom.