Tweet Tower—Scientists are questioning the large amounts of energy currently emanating from Trump Tower. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, told the discord today, “Profound amounts of energy are there and then gone again, as if a door is opening and then closing again. That’s when it hit me, he’s building a Stargate to…
Pyongyang, NK—According to both Washington and Pyongyang “the race is on!” Earlier today Kim Jong Un contacted the Governor of Arkanasas, Asa Hutchinson, and challenged him to a contest. Just as a missile exploded across Un’s private launch pad on the south lawn of Un Manor, the God of North Korea told Hutchinson, “How about round two, Arkansas? You try…
Muppets plan to avoid TSA targeting by traveling in checked bags.
A certain Jerry Lee Lewis song comes to mind.
Dinglebury, ENG—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and gift shop, is back in the news again today and pushing another controversial theory. In 2012 he proposed an alternative theory to explain the many megalithic structures dotting the English landscape. This important archeofictionologist now believes he has irrefutable evidence to support his earlier claim that they were,…
Are we moving toward fascism? My designated term of endearment for our president, Ass-Clown Hitler, was chosen for a reason as the only thing standing between our nation and some extra-strength Nazinol is Trump’s three-ring stupidity. What many of us despise about Trump, his terminal buffoonery, may actually be our saving grace. There’s certainly a down side to having an ass-clown…
Sesame Street—A clear picture of President Donald Trump’s hatred for PBS, Sesame Street and for the Muppets in general is emerging. Prior to the 2005 appearance of the character Donald Grump on Sesame Street, evidence suggests President Trump was affiliated with PBS and may even be a Henson creation himself. Press Secretary Sean Spicer has requested that SNL parody this bit,…
Chicago, Il—In response to a viral video showing a passenger being dragged off of a plane, CEO of United Airlines Oscar Munoz staged an identical scenario. Airport security bodily dragged Mr. Munoz down the aisle of an Airbus A420, before ejecting him face first onto the tarmac. Whether or not the Board of Directors ordered this stunt or it was…
San Diego, CA—After the incident this weekend that claimed the life of eight year old Bobby Turner, the petting zoo management of WolverDreams Inc. announced it will be closing its doors forever. Little Bobby’s visit, which was originally arranged in conjunction with the Make A Wish Foundation, ended the life of a young man a few weeks…
We’re pulling a Dylan on this one and not showing up for the award ceremony. We may tweet later that we’re honored and shit #Honored&Shit.
There is certainly liberal amounts of blood in our political waters, but I’m afraid it’s not actually type-D. This Susan Rice “scandal” has Benghazi written all over it. Hey, at least they’re reading. No matter where this next batch of rightwing dimquires lead, our republican friends will likely be covering this Rice dish right up until the…
We have successfully made the transition from ‘know hope’ to ‘no hope’. In today’s political circus, the Freedom Caucus is now all the rage. Are you kidding me? The only thing standing between El Trumpedente and everything he wants for Christmas is a pack of hyenas? Through the magic of redistricting, we must support the minority of the…
In his book, “The Origin of Consciousness”, the late author Julian Jaynes detailed a compelling case for how and why leadership became the driving force in the development of civilization. Our governments, institutions, clergy, and corporations demonstrate and depend on Jaynes’ basic premise that, in essence, “top-down organizational charts” direct the masses toward behaviors and thinking…
Muppets vow if Grover is sent to Guantanamo, they will “unleash the furry.” Full Grover coverage here. Tell your Congressman, “Let my Muppets go!”
“Trumpcare did go up for a vote today and it overwhelmingly passed if you understand alternative mathmatics. Democrats and the lame stream media simply forget to carry the alternate one.” —Kellyanne Conway
Washington—The republican healthcare plan designed to replace Obamacare remains in critical condition at this hour. Trump spent the last day before the crucial vote trying to woo conservative support by learning what the word ‘woo’ means. Many in the House Freedom Caucus are attacking the Trumpcare bill from the right. Congressman Aschlocke (R-AK) told the Discord today, “The American…
Tweet Tower—In an effort to cut both cost and interest, the White House tour is proud to announce a President Trump narrated audio tour. You can listen to our president go room by room and talk directly into your head about all the historical items that he believes can talk directly into his. The first historical item on…
Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh,…
Washington, DC—The Secret Service has foiled the fourth attempt to breach the White House grounds in so many weeks. This latest incident occurred Sunday afternoon and involved the well-known children’s icon, Grover, of Sesame Street fame. Grover was arrested near the south entrance of the White House donning a cape and a plastic knight’s helmet. White House spokesperson Sean Spicer told…
Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as…