BarbedWireSatire

LOS ANGELES (The Barbed Wire) - Embarrassed Family Feud and Miss Universe pageant host, Steve Harvey, is continuing to cleanse his conscience following his recent gaffe in announcing the wrong winner in the famous beauty contest. Harvey announced Ms. Colombia as the winner, when the real winner was Ms. Philippines, a mix-up that became a contest nightmare.

(The Barbed Wire) - Speaking on Face the Nation this morning, Republican presidential candidate phenom, Jeb! Bush, said he hated being the front-runner in the early days of the presidential race. He much prefers the comfortable 5-6% polling zone that he has found himself in for months now.

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - In a press conference today, President Obama laid out his latest vision for defeating terror in the Middle East and restoring a feeling of safety among Americans here at home. The president seemed more serious in his remarks today, and his rhetoric was the harshest he's used on the subject to date.

EL PASO (The Barbed Wire) - Republican front runner Donald Trump has taken a lot of heat recently for his comments that all Muslims should be kept out of the country until Congress can figure out a way to properly vet any Muslims coming in first.

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - In his infinite wisdom and attempt to thwart mass shootings by Muslims so the American people don't get upset with them, President Obama said today that he had come up with a workable solution to all the gun control hysteria that he himself has stirred up.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Trying to put American's fears to rest about the possibility of bringing tens of thousands of Muslim refugees into the country from Syria, President Obama reassured the nation today that there wouldn't be any problems with his plan because Muslims "just don't radicalize once they get here."

PARIS (The Barbed Wire) - President Obama has concluded two days of making a fool of himself at the climate summit here. Warning the world of the dangers of magic warming gas in our atmosphere, the president painted an apocalyptic vision of the future if the world doesn't start believing his climate hysteria. Immediately.

TURKEY (The Barbed Wire) - Sticking to his strategy of no "boots on the ground" in the fight against ISIS, President Obama now says he is examining what he called "an interesting option" that could potentially take the place of his current strategy, which is military paralysis.

FLORIDA (The Barbed Wire) - With his campaign having as much traction as a three-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond, Jeb! Bush is seeing the writing on the wall and starting to plan for life after presidential politics.

NEW YORK CITY (The Barbed Wire) - Democratic National Committee chairwoman, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, accused Donald Trump of reading some of his lines off of cue cards during his hosting gig on Saturday Night Live last night. Schultz says she is appalled that Trump would stoop to such a stunt.

(The Barbed Wire) - Those incorrigible kids from the Deport Racism, anti-Trump, profanity-laced video that is creating a national backlash are now going to be releasing their very own holiday album this month, titled "Get the F@ck Out of My Country, Santa!" The album will be recorded by the man who produced the warm and fuzzy anti-Trump video.

BROOKLYN (The Barbed Wire) - In a glimpse of what may come if Hillary Clinton is elected to the White House in 2016, the Democrat presidential hopeful said that, if she wins, her first order of business will be to sign an executive order making it mandatory for all American women, regardless of age, to wear colorful pantsuits at all times.

FLORIDA (The Barbed Wire) - In a final effort to pump up his floundering poll numbers, Jeb! Bush has hired the Hillary Clinton campaign team to oversee a relaunch of his campaign. Since the Clinton team has relaunched Hillary's campaign six times in six months, Jeb! figured they were the right people for the job.

BROOKLYN (The Barbed Wire) - A bathroom break turned into a tense situation today when seven female staffers for the Hillary Clinton campaign team locked themselves in a women's bathroom in the campaign's headquarters building. All seven survived the ordeal and counselors have been brought in to help the women process the event.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Establishment Republicans have been clamoring for Rep. Paul Ryan to run for Speaker of the House to fill the position being vacated by the exit of John Boehner. Ryan has been reluctant to put his name in for consideration because he knows it's a tough, thankless job.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Getting his expected presidential run off to a gaffe-tastic start today, Vice-President Joe Biden confused supporters when he announced that he was running for Speaker of the House, instead of seeking the presidency.

OREGON (The Barbed Wire) - Determined to circumvent Congress, President Obama has decided on his first executive order related to gun control. He's ordering a ban on shotgun weddings, typically defined as any wedding that takes place quickly, usually to avoid embarrassment because of a pregnancy.

CAPITOL HILL (The Barbed Wire) - Taking advantage of an unexpected source of special effects, the Pope used House Speaker John Boehner's incessant crying during his speech to Congress to make the point that if the United States did not correct its evil ways soon, the Speaker would flood the earth with his tears .

WISCONSIN (The Barbed Wire) - Wisconsin candidate Scott Walker became the second governor to bow out of the 2016 presidential race today. Walker said he was suspending his campaign and would reveal which candidate he will back for president at a later date. He blamed his spastic personality as the main reason he never connected with voters on a large scale.

CUPERTINO, CA (The Barbed Wire) - Feeling pressured to hold a September event like they always do, but out of new ideas, Apple's CEO Tim Cook promised those in attendance at today's product update meeting that the company would come up with something cool at some far-off date in the future.