One weapon in the war against those who would tell us how to live is the seat belt alarm silencer. Inserted where the seat belt clip normally goes, it prevents your car from ding-ding-dinging throughout eternity . . . or until you cave in and fasten your damn seat.
“The iPlug, a combination thumb drive and butt plug, will be rolled out today," said an inside source at Apple. “Expect Tim Cook to be wearing one at today’s launch."
We didn't figure we had inconvenienced anyone, and we sure would have been inconvenienced having to walk half a mile back to a regular lot, wasted as we were.
Humans have been kicking the cat from damn near time immemorial, perhaps longer.
Worse than having a micropecker, dropping your wad immediately after penetration—or, god forbid, during foreplay or dinner—will earn you the undying scorn of fair and foul maiden alike.
In algebraic terms a blivit is X pounds of shit in a Y-pound bag, where X is greater than Y.
Gives me a chubby at the thought of observing National Cranberry Relish Day (11/22) and National Mason Jar Day (11/30). Thank god for thirty-day months, eh?"
Unfortunately, some people never walk again after a night in the Gravitas 3000's leaden embrace.
Certainly, the guy who rips a hole in the back of his jeans and knocks three people over is an easy call.
Contrary to the popular belief that even the worst sex or pizza is good, they're not.
Postcards from the Pug Bus (2PB) has "heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend" that GanjaScope℠ is President Trump's "favorite read."
Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, says he is ready to "bury the hatchet" with critics who object to his team's nickname because they consider it racist.
No matter how embarrassed you are by keyboard plaque, do not attempt to remove it with your dab rig torch and isopropyl alcohol.
A potentially embarrassing iPhone 10 video in which Paul McCartney is seen attempting to buy marijuana in the rural village of Wingham, Kent, is in the sweaty hands of local authorities.
Such a fab dream suggests that you need to keep your sorry ass away from the Milli Vanilli OG. That shit contains more limonene than your average toilet bowl cleanser.
Until now obesity was thought to be caused largely by overeating, prolonged residence below the Mason-Dixon Line, frequent attendance at cat shows, and one's choice of sexual partners ...
Rigs-R-Us, the nation's leading manufacturer of "smoking enhancement technology for the socially conscious," offered refunds today to any customers who bought a Colin Kaepernick Puffco Peak dab rig that would not start.
Today we sing the praises of the one-hit wonder—pop music's most prodigious benefactor, the artist who keeps on giving even after he or she or they is no longer selling and is setting the GPS for Branson.
The Readers Digest and Postcards from the Pug Bus will "partner" to bring the GanjaScope℠ to RD's 38,000,000 readers beginning in January next year
In related news: Nike denies that it was planning to release an all-white sneaker to commemorate National White Chocolate Day ...