TheNilAdmirari

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced today he had kidnapped billionaire David Koch, and was demanding a large amount of money from billionaire Charles Koch to get his brother back. Trump claimed the kidnapping was in response to being snubbed by the infamous Koch brothers, who did not invite him to Dana Point, California this past weekend where about 450 very wealthy conservative donors gathered by the Kochs met with five other Republican presidential candidates.

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) refused to heed calls for his resignation today, and blamed Texas voters for electing "a criminal, a hypocrite, and a man of such low moral character" to be their state's chief enforcer of the law. On Monday, Paxton was indicted on three felony counts related to securities law violations that allegedly took place when he was a lawyer and state legislator, and he failed to disclose to investors in a tech company he was profiting from their investments.

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Americans across the country confessed they were "very excited" to watch the first debate between Republican presidential candidates, which will be hosted by Fox News in Cleveland, Ohio at 9pm tonight. Nearly all Americans stated they looked forward to watching the well-informed Republican candidates debate serious issues, and were specifically looking forward to hearing billionaire Donald Trump's substantive policy goals.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republicans across the country continued to be outraged by President Obama's comparison of Republicans who want a war with Iran to Iranian hardliners who want a war with the United States. Fox News has led the outrage by calling Obama "unAmerican," "worse than Hitler," and "that Kenyan who stole the presidency twice."

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - ...Fox News attempted to embarrass, humble, and knockout billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump during the prime time debate hosted by the network. For some inexplicable reason - and despite hundreds of interviews with Trump - Fox News forgot that engaging Trump was the trigger for the candidate's famous and often contradictory word salad, loud "truth telling," and general bombasity the Republican base loves.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Billionaire Donald Trump has become even more popular with Republicans in the wake of the Republican presidential debate hosted by Fox News on Thursday, as the Republican base continued its proud tradition of confusing a candidate's arrogance with a candidate's competence. National polls conducted after the debate showed Trump was favored by an average of twenty-five percent of Republican primary voters, which was about double the support of the second most popular candidate.

SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, California Governor Jerry Brown (D) urged the citizens of his state to visit out-of-state family members and friends, and "borrow some water to bring back to California." Brown explained it was the best long-term backup plan California could put forth as the state found itself in the fourth year of a historic drought.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News President Roger Ailes called billionaire and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump earlier today after experiencing the wrath of unhinged Fox News viewers, other conservative media outlets, and Trump's weekend anti-Fox News media blitz. Tensions continued to grow quickly over the thinly veiled hit job Ailes ordered on Trump during Thursday night's debate, which Megyn Kelly largely carried out. Although no one knows everything the conversation between Trump and Ailes was about it did result in Trump agreeing to go on...

STILLWATER, MINNESOTA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN-6) announced she had discovered dozens of phallic shaped objects in the bottom drawer of her husband Marcus's dresser. Bachmann explained her husband told her the objects were rockets to take them to Heaven once President Obama fulfilled his role to take the world into the End Times and bring about the Second Coming of Christ.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced all of his paid campaign staff were going to be considered volunteers for the foreseeable future due to a severe lack of money. Perry said he did not think it was a bad sign for his presidential bid, and adopted the brand new position that money should have no place in politics.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump threw a kitten off of the 58th floor of Trump Tower this morning. Trump claimed he did it to show everyone he was unstoppable, and polls taken immediately following the incident showed him surging even further ahead of his Republican opponents.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Iran had launched an attack on the Islamic State's "Muhammad Moon Base 1" believing the base was holding afterlife virgins hostage. Fox News alerted its viewers to the existence of the Islamic State's moon base on July 18th - when it warned of an imminent attack on the United States - and today criticized the Obama Administration's failure to do anything about it.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News talking head Megyn Kelly announced two nights ago on her show The Kelly Factor she was going to take a ten day vacation. Kelly did not say why she was going on vacation on-air, but an anonymous source at Fox News informed TNA today Kelly was told by her boss Roger Ailes to "take some time off, forget about Donald Trump, and the death threats his supporters keep sending you."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump met his "Uncle Bobby" at John F. Kennedy International Airport at 12:30 this morning. Trump flew his uncle in from Sumatra to help with his presidential campaign, and Uncle Bobby arrived with a large entourage of conservationists and primatologists, as well as large boxes full of fruit, bird eggs, bark, leaves, honey, shoots, and insects from home.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced his presidency would be a continuation of his brother George W. Bush's presidency in that he would send ground troops back to Iraq, reinstate torture in violation of American and international law, and make every other mistake made by his brother and more. Jeb promised Americans to ignore all of "the allegedly negative consequences" of his brother's presidency, and vowed to return America to "the golden age" of George W. Bush.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned Americans if they did not elect him president everyone would die. Graham asserted the United States would only be safe from "those very scary Muslims" under his watch.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee somehow escaped from the psychiatric wing he was residing in at Bellevue Hospital. Huckabee announced he wanted to make himself available to CNN so he could tell all of America he agreed with the government of Paraguay denying a 10-year-old rape victim in Asunción an abortion and forcing her to give birth to the child.

NEW YORK CITY--Sean Hannity, host of the Fox News program Hannity, shocked his legions of fans today when he revealed that he has been diagnosed with an extremely rare and chronic form of stupidity.  Hannity said the stupidity was at such an advanced stage when it was discovered that there is very little that can…

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) confirmed a report from last week that it did not have the authority to prevent companies from engaging in stock buybacks. SEC Chair Mary Jo White assured Americans they would all become well-acquainted with what stock buybacks were "when the economy tanks again, basically due to the same type of stock market manipulation and lack of government regulation that caused it the last time."

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - A senior official with Jeb Bush's Super PAC "Right to Rise USA" told TNA on the condition of anonymity today the $10 million-plus ad budget it had to make Jeb likable to Iowa's Republican caucus-goers was "way, way, way, way, too small." The Super PAC official added, "Jeb needs to stop hugging his brother George W. Bush's policies whenever he is asked about them, because that is not helping."