TheNilAdmirari

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential frontrunner and pumpkin-hued billionaire Donald Trump announced he was relaunching Trump University with the mission of teaching American women their place. Senior political observers characterized Trump's move as the candidate's way of apologizing for saying American women should be punished if they have an abortion.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton confessed she pitied supporters of Bernie Sanders, because they knew her record and were aware of what kind of president she would be. Clinton declared it was better for Sanders supporters to be blissfully ignorant of how she would betray them and work tirelessly to repay her rich donors.

4. Freedom to be denied healthcare by literal death panels at health insurance companies, which routinely override the decisions of healthcare professionals.

Secretary Clinton continued, "I won't stop wealth from being redistributed from the poorest to the richest. I won't regulate industries my major donors work in. There will be more drilling for oil, no meaningful regulation of Wall Street, and I am a hawk that will wage perpetual war for my war-profiteer friends."

Conservative think tank Word Harder, America says the government paying for public college is bad for the economy.

American corporate media outlets tell Bernie Sanders he must kill a kraken if he wants more coverage and respect from them.

Ted Cruz says liberal neighborhoods must be patrolled to prevent them from becoming radicalized.

"I was very concerned Hillary Clinton was afraid to debate me, but I did not see this reply coming. I received an invoice from Secretary Clinton today showing I was being charged $225,000 for her debate participation," announced Senator Sanders.

Hillary Clinton says Bernie Sanders' campaign won't be rising from the dead like another Jewish man she can think of on Easter Sunday.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and orange billionaire Donald Trump confirmed he had sent naked pictures of himself to Heidi Cruz, who is the wife of his main Republican rival U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. Trump claimed he sent Heidi Cruz naked pictures of himself as a peace offering following a Twitter feud with Ted Cruz, and because he loves women.

CHATTANOOGA, TENNESSEE (The Nil Admirari) - A group of conservative Christian leaders announced the founding of a group called the Totally-Not-Gay Christian Leaders of America (TNGCLA) today. The nonprofit organization's primary mission will be to fight the gay civil rights movement while making it clear to everyone none of its upstanding members are gay.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the U.S. Department of State reported a 300,000% surge in new passport applications. The State Department attributed the surge to the increasingly likely presidential matchup between former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and current xenophobic billionaire Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republicans declared the American embargo on Cuba would only be lifted if the Cuban government improved its record on human rights. Boasting the United States and its allies cherished such rights, Republicans demanded Cuba rise to Saudia Arabia's human rights record.

"I don't know much about the economy, but I do know who I hate and routinely blame for all of my problems. So, as long as I have a little more scraps than Black and Brown people, especially illegal immigrants, I am happy to be poor and die early due to working myself to death," confessed Basil.

"Protesters at my rallies will be wrapped in 'Trump Safety Flags.' These flags give them my personal promise of protection from my enthusiastic supporters, and a guarantee they will be escorted out of my rallies unharmed," explained Trump.

"We urge Bernie Sanders to stop clinging to his un-American beliefs in representative democracy and voting rights. He must concede.."

"...46% of surveyed Americans thought the lounge was the optimal place for the murder, though they were impossibly divided about whether the wrench or the pipe, or something else, was the best tool to kill the two-party system by revenge-fueled blunt force trauma."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential frontrunner and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised her rival U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont he could have all of his progressive political positions back after she won the primary. Clinton confessed she considered her theft of Bernie's policy stances a politically expedient short-term loan.

"Now let's get back to how all of your problems are the fault of the poor and brown people, and not super-rich predators like me robbing you blind every single day of your miserable hate-driven lives," explained Trump to a cheering crowd.

"I was at the White House that day. I was there for tea with Nancy, and a free session with her psychic in the Roosevelt Room," explained Clinton, who asserted she could hear the battle during her psychic reading.