I could not bear the thought of the work required to keep my hedges looking as trim and inviting as all of those hedges my husband had bookmarked and shared with me online.
At corporate events I will talk about my roots: "50 years ago, I was hired by this fine company to clean the restrooms on the Merced to Oakland route..." and so on.
For months, when my less-woke family and friends talk about movies, I proudly declare that I've been meaning to see Moonlight and actually want to see it really badly.
With boss man bearing down on you, tilt your head to the left. His head will follow yours. Wait ten seconds. Hold the tilt like you would an ice cream cone.
If you get stuck in a pose and you know you can't get out of it without queefing, simply stay in that pose for the rest of eternity.
You've all seen Melania being cold to me. No hand holding, eye rolls, ignoring, walking separately, bad, bad. But I'm not upset because at least the American people still love me.
"Never bottle up your confusion. Think out loud. An effective way to communicate your muddled beliefs is Twitter." -Kisha P., Police Desk Sergeant
Would people describe you as: A) a creative free-thinker with an "outside the box" mentality, B) a process-oriented manager focused on the big picture, or C) a cranberry farmer?
If we slept together and haven't spoken in over two months, please throw my number in the trash. Otherwise, please refer to this guide for appropriate actions.
I care about women's rights and want to make sure women aren't perceived as basic, so I need to call out basic dumb bitch behavior when I see it. Otherwise, men will do it for me.
It frustrates you to know I get laid more than you. I have chicken legs and a cartoonish beer belly. I have a hooknose and my eyes are a bit too close together.
"The Lifer" has been doing the same job for over 30 years and, despite your complaints, still wears his misery like a warm blanket on a blustery winter night.
OK, so a really, really, really, really long time ago, there was this broad… this princess. She was a princess, right? So, she had this real wonderful, real fantastic life. Real luxurious.
Some people were born on third base and thought they hit a triple. Other people, who thought they hit a triple, were born on first base. Consider how you got here in life.
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
Did I hear her correctly? There's no way she just asked me if I have condoms on a first Tinder date, right? Could it possibly be going this well?
The company manual has everything from an optimistic “Career Progression” to shrug-worthy “Credit Card, Corporate” but nothinganything under “Coffee Machine, Operating Safely.”
Get lots of bad press for golf, bad, but you’d spend most of your time golfing too if you were trying to distract yourself from everyone’s problems.
Fans are always writing me with the same question: “Liza, I’ve always wanted to travel the world and live an adventurous life like you do on your blog, but how do I do it?”
"You really think you deserve to destroy America after a test like that? My father and grandfather are rolling in their graves right now at the thought."