In response to the bewildering number of price comparison sites now competing to save you money on everything from travel to car insurance, a new comparison site, Shitehawk.com, has been launched to help consumers compare them. ‘I wasn’t sure whether Go Compare, Compare the Market, Confused.com or Money Supermarket would save me most on my...
‘We haven’t seen this particular approach before, in which a man quite brazenly waves a large deposit at sales staff before producing a pen and ruthlessly signing document after document, before riding off on his healthily-gotten gains,’ said a police spokesman.
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The farewell handshake between President Trump and his French counterpart Emmanuel Macron has entered its third day with no signs of either man relinquishing their grip. The handshake began on the Champs-Elysees on Friday after Trump attended Bastille Day celebrations with President Macron. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it’ says Le Monde’s Hubert Virenque. ‘At...
Nearly 50 years on, the survivors of the Poseidon Adventure are still waiting to be permanently re-housed on dry land. Rosen, Martin, Nonnie, Susan and Robin, who all managed to make their way through the watertight doors and into the propeller shaft tunnel before finding a way to attract the attention of rescuers have been...
A team at Edinburgh University has announced that it has identified the individual gene found only in those people who claim that they ‘knew something would happen’, despite having no evidence or reason to support their viewpoint. A laboratory test involving 12 mice, 300g of Cathedral City Cheddar and a large wooden mallet studied the...
Great Britain has sent a firm message to the world by revealing its latest Royal Navy warship is named after a sprightly but rather frail 91-year-old woman. Foreign navies are quaking in their bell-bottoms at the prospect of facing HMS Queen Elizabeth, having previously been intimidated by warships with names such as HMS Illustrious, HMS...
Evidence of “voter fatigue” has been shown by a survey where a cross section of people were asked if they would like to punch the next person who asked a survey question. Speaking from a hospital trolley in Charing Cross Hospital, Ray Jenkins, a junior researcher for YouGov, said, “You bet they want to punch...
An enthusiastic but unrealistic work colleague who claims that he is going to be ‘all over’ a task that needs completing this afternoon, is in reality only going to give it a slightly increased bit of his attention for a few minutes, it has been disappointingly revealed. ‘Those excel spreadsheets with the monthly figures on...
Insiders have admitted that the Conservative Party ‘probably shouldn’t have used Easyjet’ to provide strategy advice over the last few years. ‘Admittedly they have a simple approach to problem solving,’ said a senior Tory today. ‘Want to stay in or leave the EU? Ask the public, they’ll know the right answer. ‘Want a mandate for...
Eon Productions, cashing in on Jeremy Corbyn’s recent success in the General Election, have announced that he will star as the popular British Secret Agent, James Bond, in an upcoming film. ‘We’re pretty excited about Jeremy coming on board for this production and look forward to an interpretation that will be at pace with modern...
Our benevolent overlord, Rupert Murdoch, has granted a day of democracy for the collective chattel – provided, of course, they vote for his preferred minion. To help us in our decision, the Murdoch papers have been running a myriad of headlines, including ‘It’s my May Way or the Highway’, ‘Corbyn makes terrorist jam’ or the...
After last night’s general election TV debate, top Tory Boris Johnson has hit out at the electorate for showing ‘increasing signs of bias against the government’. The Foreign Secretary insisted that the BBC’s choice of viewers was ‘totally unfair to the government’ and was ‘in no way representative of the stonking support for the prime...
Joyless and broken adults are calling for the latest kids’ craze to be banned along with any other tenuous reminder of those halcyon days and the carefree abandon of their own youth, it can be reported. Fidget spinners, small revolving toys which all children can use, are currently all the rage. ‘It’s the fun in...
Office workers have agreed that their smug 'gym-before-work' colleague will be viciously gagged, if he mentions his morning workout routine again. The proposed muzzling of 26 year-old new trainee, Ben Smith, follows endless daily boasts that he was performing deadlifts and squats before sunrise.
Commentators and Labour shadow cabinet members alike are struggling to comprehend the hefty tome that is the Labour Manifesto.
Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron has complained that his party’s manifesto has received no media coverage despite it being leaked on Monday. The news comes after the leaking of Labour’s manifesto dominated news coverage on Thursday and Friday. ‘Someone leaked our manifesto on Monday’ said Farron. ‘It wasn’t malicious; one of our policy bods emailed it...
Australian MP Willy Packer has made history in becoming the first MP to take a dump during congress. Hot on the heels of the first ever breast feed earlier in the day, the 58 year old from Queensland requested permission to exercise his right to have a ‘good clear out’ ahead of a lengthy debate...
Since an appeal went out earlier this month, the Liberal Democrats have received ‘dozens’ of possible sightings of their leader. He has been missing from public view for months, though the precise date when he disappeared has not been determined. ‘It was more a fading away than a disappearance’, said a spokesman. ‘He could be...