Thedandygoat

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, TNA released the results of an in-house study measuring how favorably Americans viewed Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The results showed the longer Hillary Clinton was in the public eye the more Americans recalled why they disliked her, and projected that by November 2016 over 78% of Americans would rather be murdered by blunt force trauma than vote for her.

One of the leaders of the University of Missouri protest group Concerned Student 1950 says that the main source of their discontent is chronic constipation.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and empathy-handicapped billionaire Donald Trump criticized Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont for completely lacking a policy on how to combat comedian and actress Rosie O'Donnell. Trump called Sanders' lack of a policy regarding O'Donnell "shameful" while asserting Rosie was "a fat pig," "a clear and present danger to the United States," and she should probably be nuked from outer space.

Following claims by an Islamic preacher that men who masturbate will “find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,” a Yemeni start-up called Holy Warz that sells jihadist gear has begun offering hand condoms.

For the first time in seven months, the comet lander Philae has sent a message to the European Space Agency, and although officials are delighted to finally get some news, they say that Philae’s stories don’t add up.

MEXICO (The Barbed Wire) - Mexican authorities are dealing with an outbreak of affluenza in their country. Recently, American Ethan Couch, who used an affluenza defense to get off easy after killing four people while driving drunk, was discovered hiding here. Now, the world's biggest drug cartel leader, widely known as "El Chapo" Guzman, is attempting to use the same excuse himself.

Consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader says he is close to opening the doors to his own Washington D.C. swingers club.

Fort Lauderdale, FL – (satireworld.com)

Valerie Jarrett appeared on National News this morning to announce Schultz’s passing saying it was “humane, painless, ordained, and ‘long over due ” after Debbie appeared one time too many in the National News shows looking like an unmade bed spouting disjointed babble that even embarrassed FL congressman Alan Grayson and Cow Girl Frederica Wilson.

Worried Greek voters have only a few hours left to work out what the hell their 74 word referendum question actually means. Nearly ten million citizens are so confused by the wording of the question that they are unsure whether to vote Yes, No, or simply eat their ballot paper and follow it with an ouzo chaser.

The prime minister has scored a major diplomatic victory after all 112 countries in the Eurovision Song Contest agreed to his proposed swingeing reform of the 40-year-old voting system. After weeks of shuttle diplomacy and charm offensives across the continent, a tired but relieved Mr Cameron announced that a deal had been struck this morning....

A Baton Rouge resident is leading a one-man crusade to dampen threads of overwhelmingly positive comments with a single word that strikes the perfect balance between dickishness and disinterest.

A year-long probe into the murky world of youth soccer has led to the arrest of more than a dozen hyper-involved moms.

No longer able to collect bulk telephone metadata, the NSA said it will revert to the old method of domestic spying by placing agents in the homes of the some 123 million households in the U.S.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Nine bicyclists were critically offended and dozens more were irked after a confrontation at a downtown Austin restaurant led to a slew of insults being fired.

Despite greater strides made toward purchasing parity between the sexes, a recent study shows that women in the U.S. still spend around 77 cents for every dollar a man earns.

An 84 year old man from Melbourne will attempt to climb to the top of Jerry Hall, in a three day expedition which has never been undertaken before by anyone under 60.

Former Ebola Czar Ron Klain, chosen by the Obama administration to lead efforts against the disease, has returned to the nation’s capital and is demanding his restoration.

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has formally renounced his American nationality and become a Russian citizen, having become disillusioned with the US stance on yellow wristbands. He now intends to compete for Russia in a number of different disciplines at the Rio Olympics in 2016, such as cycling, rowing, discus, hammer throwing, 100 metres and synchronised swimming.

Washington—A child, who apparently wanted “walkies”, became a key distraction last night during President Obama’s 8th and final State Of The Union Address. Initially the President tried to make light of the situation, but the growing disruption caused him to lose his train of thought several times and eventually his patience. The President initially tried…