TheNilAdmirari

An unidentified member of the press asked Senator Cruz if he could confirm reports his campaign had purchased large quantities of cyanide.

"All we're asking for is that Americans work off their debts through labor given to a creditor for a set amount of time as dictated by a legally binding contract, which can be bought and sold at will by creditors," explained an anonymous source at JPMorgan Chase.

Slayermen continued, "The Democratic presidential frontrunner deserves a fair investigation, and has the right to defend herself from people who may have details about their personal lives they would rather have the public not know about."

Donald Trump is considering Cap'n Crunch as his running mate after weeks of Crunch providing him with superior foreign policy advice.

"The announcement that Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina are running mates really surprised me. Now I am more confused than anything, and the rest of the country is right there with me," explained Republican strategist Mark Kinness.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and fascism-friendly billionaire Donald Trump dominated primary elections in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. In all five states, Trump won the support of nearly 80% of Americans that regretted not growing up in 1930s Germany.

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"I was being driven around Ankara looking for things to be offended by when a child on the left side of the road smiled, stuck his tongue out at me, and then tried to flee the scene," explained Erdoğan.

LePage continued, "And I don't believe it is the government's job to provide life-prolonging services to its citizens, because those services are costly and do not change the fact everyone is going to die at some point."

"It's insane how many branches of government we have in this crooked country. I think there's three, and I can't name any of them, and maybe that's the point. The government is so huge that I can't figure out how it works, or what any part of it does," declared Trump to a cheering crowd of civically ignorant patriots.

"America needs to make sure the weapons it is selling Saudi Arabia are helping the kingdom stifle the most basic freedoms inside its despotic kingdom, and allow it to better support Sunni extremists across the world," announced Obama, who noted Hillary Clinton aggressively sold weapons to the Saudis as U.S. Secretary of State.

Secretary Clinton thanked all of her supporters that believed in her so much they didn't even need to show up at a polling place to cast a vote.

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Saudi Arabia threatened to break up with the United States if Congress continued to ask questions about the Saudi role in the September 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks. Saudi Arabia claimed the United States was obsessed by the subject, and their relationship was being strained by its lack of trust in the kingdom.

"When I become president, the federal minimum wage will be $27 an hour. Working families in America will finally get the raises my largest donors are primarily responsible for withholding from them over the last four decades," promised Clinton.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, former 2016 Republican presidential candidate U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina accepted the Republican presidential nomination. An inebriated Graham gave his acceptance speech at what he claimed was the Corinth Tavern in Seneca, South Carolina.

"Rebel Alliance President Trump will also refuse to call her 'General Leia,' especially since she got captured a bunch of times, and I only like people who don't get captured," asserted Trump. "Seriously, who lets Rosie O'Donnell's brother Jabba the Hutt take them prisoner?"

Mr. Brock continued, "This should not be surprising to Americans, as only someone possessed by a demon or Satan himself would challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination."

ALBANY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the New York State Board of Elections confirmed reports the name of Democratic presidential candidate U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont had disappeared from the state's Democratic primary ballot. The rival presidential campaign of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton assured New York Democrats and Sanders supporters it was working closely with the elections board to fix the situation in time for the state's April 19th primary election.

Dr. Eagle continued, "I cannot stress how dangerous Ted Cruz would be as president. Ted's life is a long story of antisocial and predatory behavior. Cruz completely lacks remorse and empathy, cannot create emotional attachments, and will try to destroy anyone not fooled by his naked manipulation."

"The gays and their LGBT co-conspirators are trying to convince Mississippi they are actual people worthy of equal protection under the law, and we aren't about to allow that to happen," promised Bryant.

"As everyone knows, Wisconsin treated me very unfairly last night by voting for that loser Ted Cruz. Unbelievably unfairly, actually. I don't think anyone in the history of the world has been treated more unfairly than me with what Wisconsin just did to me," explained Trump.