Please take a moment to donate to Hurricane Irma relief, and while you're at it, throw a couple bucks at the Kickstarter for my Flappy Bird-meets-Candy Crush app "Clint the Climber."
Haters and losers, folks, haters and losers. So many stupid people, ignoring the facts. Don't even remember I got rid of ISIS in my first 30 days.
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
Welp, this is how it all ends. If there's some sort of service to remember me, please have them mention my karate belts.
The barbwire tattoo around this douchebag's arm essentially screamed, "None of my shirts have sleeves and I punch walls when I get insecure about my small penis!"
A new problem is on the rise in this techie world of ours: lifeguards texting at public pools. Get the hell off your phone and back to your minimum wage toil!
Just because you never hear these things in college doesn't mean they aren't true. Especially the parts about cheating, masturbation, and taking advantage of helpless animals.
Dunkin' Donuts Energy Punch mixes the sugar and caffeine of a can of Monster Energy with the additional sugar of Coolata syrup. Talk about a jolt!
After I wrote my friend Dave a letter of recommendation, his dating dry spell ended immediately. Now I'm giving you permission to use the same template!
All I want to hear is your name, grade, and on a scale of 1-10 how comfortable you would be lying down in a pit of 200-300 baby rattlesnakes for two minutes.
A lot of animals out there haven't had the proper education when it comes to sex, which is obvious from all of the stupid YouTube videos of idiot dogs humping each other's heads.
That's right, women used to spend their menstrual cycle in a tent, free from all men and sanitation. After testing, I agree, it's a bloody great idea.
Sure, you may be worried your teen has succumbed to the latest drug craze, but it's also likely he's just the apocalyptic repayment for centuries of evil and injustice.
I don't really get what the big deal is about this "once-in-a-generation phenomenon." How good could this TV show really be? Also, should I kill George R.R. Martin?
I can't help but be ashamed of how materialistic I used to be. I guess I should just be happy that buying this Buddha statue on Amazon made me the person I am today.
Superlatives for Michael Richard "Mike" Pence: "Most Highlighted Bible," "Most Likely to Stay on This Side of History," and "Best Hair."
Every day I put off cutting my nail only means that when I inevitably do, the annihilation of whole universes will be that much more substantial.
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
It was three tragic hit and runs that took my father away from us. And if my dad was killed by three cars, shouldn't Cars 3 be able to bring him back?
Homophobic Tell #2: Your cat tries scratching your eyes out whenever Modern Family is on. Uh-oh, it looks like Mr. Whiskers needs some tough love.