NewsBiscuit

President Trump has added the state of Moronvia to his list of banned countries. In a tweet last night he said: 'We have to get tough on Moronvia. These Morons represent a real threat to the American people #keepmoronsout.'

Tony said, 'I tried my hand at stand-up comedy once, but it was quite hard writing actual jokes and stuff, and anyway I’m pretty sure people prefer my slapstick stuff and general goofing around. They can't get enough me, the office would be pretty dull if I were to leave.'

'Just found out that it was an American that killed more of our citizens in Las Vegas in one night than ISIS, North Korea and the NFL COMBINED have managed all year. Ban all Americans now. ONLY SOLUTION!!!!!' said the President, in his now-traditional Monday 3:00a.m. Twitter rant to the nation.

Tired of waiting for President Trump to rise to the bait, the UN's favorite rogue nations have decided to go head to head by sending insulting messages to the other. The first message, sent to Kim Jong-un from iran@probablysomewhereinthemiddleeast.com, said he looks like a Tellytubby with lego hair, and anyway Kim is a girl's name.

The former Press Secretary has admitted that the nausea associated with being President Trump’s mouthpiece, did not prepare him for the full horror of a snog from James Corden. Despite once having Trump oozing out of every orifice, Mr. Spicer admitted that only Mr. Corden had made him feel as dirty as a North Korean...

Ryanair has come up with another clever way of making more money by deciding to charge passengers an extra fee for those who want to travel on an actual aircraft. After purchasing their tickets passengers will be given the option of a plane or no plane. CEO Michael O’Leary hopes most people will choose to...

Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.

‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing

Crystal Palace has reverted to its former existence as a home for old dinosaurs after a very brief attempt to bring it up to the standards associated with modern life. Announcing a brand new era just a couple of months ago, the owners introduced a young, dynamic, forward-thinking manager to transform the establishment which was...

Richard Curtis, writer of such rom-com classics like ‘Notting Hill’, ‘About Time and ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’, has revealed that his next movie will center around a woman dropping an unflushable log down the toilet of her date’s luxury apartment along the South Bank. The shooting of the movie is almost complete with Hugh...

East European countries are vowing to reintroduce vowels to their languages. ‘Vowels have been endangered in Eastern Europe since before the Second World War,’ said Crystoph ZZvlynski, of the Polish Vowel Research Unit in Warsaw. ‘We have them, some are in our names, but we use them lss and lss.’ Some vowel historians blame increasing...

Theresa May has excited fans by re-energising her reign with a series of inter-cut training shots, accompanied by the theme tune to Steptoe and Son. Stripped to the waist, her fetlocks flowing in the wind, the Maybot 2000 ran in slow motion through a field of genetically modified wheat, followed by repeatedly dropping a dispatch...

Street workers and homeless teenagers have spoken of their excitement at how the self-drive service will speed up their untimely and tragic demise.

It is not clear what his motive was or if he will be formally charged by police, though a spokesman said that alcohol may well have been involved.

ITV cleaning staff responsible for maintaining the studio used to broadcast the popular, This Morning show, have walked out in protest at having to remove the trail of slime that presenter, Eamonn Holmes, leaves in his wake when he leaves the studio each day at midday.

In the wake of violent protests and the removal of controversial statues across the USA, human statues are reporting an increase in hate crimes.

President Trump has agreed to turn what could have been a global conflagration into a quite literal war of words.

All snacks sold on British roadways will be made fit for human consumption by 2040, The Ministry of Transport, in conjunction with the major service station chains, has announced. The move is part of a Europe-wide campaign to phase out ‘dirty’ foods from petrol garages and stop-off food courts, but will also affect ‘hybrid’ meal...

Bargain hunter Eric Standing got less than he bargained for when he bought a painting ‘on a whim’ at his local car boot sale. The painting caught his eye as he rummaged through a pile of loathsome knick-knacks, ugly trinkets and and useless rusting gewgaws at the depressing car boot sale held on a patch...

Reports suggest that an office worker, when asked how his weekend was, replied: “Quite quiet, actually”, implying that every other weekend was spent with a barrage of prostitutes snorting cocaine off a revolving disco ball. The office worker’s colleague, who asked the question, immediately regretted it as she was not remotely interested anyway in the...

A Colchester driver has had the wool pulled over his eyes again by ingenious global petroleum companies, through their clever use of fractions of pence in their pricing, it has been revealed. Steve Vickers subconsciously made the assessment that 114.9 pence per litre was ‘significantly less’ than 115 pence per litre and therefore excellent value...