MakeAmericaTheBest

In a bid to secure thousands of low-paying jobs that no American wants, a caravan of workers from Central America stormed the US border with a goal of replacing roofs, harvesting farm produce, cleaning up hotel rooms, and generally taking care of the US population against their will.

In spite of alleged audio evidence of the killing of Wall Street Journal Reporter Jamaal Kashoggi, President Trump today insisted authorities look into a "mysterious 400 pound man" who, according to the president, has been involved in a series of crimes against the nation.

Scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab this week announced the historic discovery of a newspaper clipping on Mars, proving that intelligent life once inhabited the red planet. And also, that all life on earth is essentially toast.

In a harshly worded statement that left no room for interpretation, leaders of the democratic party today demanded in no uncertain terms that President Trump must not, under any circumstances, attempt to juggle chainsaws blindfolded.

Now that Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed to the US Supreme Court, justices were already looking forward to the devil may care attitude and the subsequent partying they are sure he will bring.

On the heels of successfully renaming the “North American Free Trade Agreement” as the “United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement,” President Trump followed up today by announcing a new title for the country’s popular national anthem.

A federal judge this week released a local man who had been on death row for fourteen years after new evidence came to light showing that he was at the beach the entire time during the week of the murder.

“We were as surprised an anyone,” said the lead technician on the project, Professor Luken Balden. “But the universe is, in fact, exactly shaped like this popular American cellular phone. Go figure!"

In an impromptu visit surprising the Judiciary Committee that recommended his confirmation 27 years ago, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stopped by the US Senate this week to reminisce with the legislative branch about his hearing way back in the day.

In what is being seen as generally a foregone conclusion, sources in Washington agreed Tuesday that Attorney General Sessions is pretty much responsible for a recent hurricane, and Former FBI Director James Comey probably had a hand in it, too.

"Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering cow; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. Thou damned cow!"

After victory in the Northern Trust Tournament in Paramus, New Jersey, the American professional golfer Bryson DeChambeau was declared Duke of Burgundy by her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II for his impressive lineage, and proper play.

Alarmed by a recent scientific report that claimed the negative health effects of alcohol outweighed its overall benefits, people across the country immediately began contributing money to fund a study more favorable to drinking.

Lashing out at what he saw as a threat to national security, after being told of an unflattering comment about himself, President Donald Trump today revoked all security privileges for the Home Alone child star MacCauley Culkin, effective immediately.

In a complex conspiracy that even the host of Info Wars, Alex Jones, had trouble coming to grips with, the application to deliver content from his show turned out to be software that allowed Hillary Clinton to observe the movements of every single one of his fans.

A Brooklyn man's daring plan to preserve the "Necco" candy brand would require extraordinary measures never before used in the confectionery industry.

Using 1.2 trillion dollars of US treasury bills it controls as collateral, the Chinese government today agreed to step in and purchase American farms going bankrupt due to the ongoing trade war waged by the president. US farmers will be permitted to continue speaking English, says the Chinese government.

Although the period after World War II is generally remembered as an existential struggle between two nuclear superpowers to control the planet earth, Republicans this week revealed that it was, in fact, just a comical series of miscommunications.

The founder of Papa John's Pizza, John Schnatter, followed up his accusation that the beloved icon of the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise used the "N-word" with claims that Colonel Sanders had been seen sexually cavorting with barn yard animals.

Using advanced imaging techniques applied to billions of cat photos and videos on the internet, researchers found that cats have read more books, understood them better, and in general are better read than 95% of their human owners.