BarbedWireSatire

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - Extremely long lines at airports, especially Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, are causing extremely short tempers among passengers who just want to get where they want to go, preferably in less time than it would take them to drive the same distance. Unfortunately, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has become as efficient as the Post Office and the DMV when it comes to doing their job.

HIROSHIMA (The Barbed Wire) - Later this month, President Obama will make a trip to the site of the world's most famous bomb blast, to make an apology for former President Roosevelt dropping a more powerful bomb. The F-bomb. Many Americans believe Obama has no place apologizing for Roosevelt's F-bomb because it was perfectly understandable at the time.

NEWARK, NJ (The Barbed Wire) - Graffiti and vandalism have been taken to the next level by a flock of angry birds who are apparently very pissed off at cell phone carrier Verizon Communications, Inc. The birds may have been exacting revenge for the deaths of several of their feathered friends who were killed by Verizon workers while they were replacing old cable wires and making repairs to cell phone towers in the area recently.

WEST VIRGINIA (The Barbed Wire) - Hillary Clinton has been talking tough in recent months about driving coal miners and their industry out of business. Her talk caused voters to swat her away and give the state to Bernie Sanders in an easy victory in West Virginia's primary. Immediately going into damage control, and realizing she would need West Virginia’s electoral votes in a general election, Hillary explained to the state’s voters that she only recently found out that coal is used to produce most of the country’s electricity.

NEW YORK CITY (The Barbed Wire) - According to the Donald Trump campaign, there are three types of anti-Trump Republicans that the presumptive nominee needs to help if there is to be any hope of keeping a Democrat out of the White House. To meet this need over the coming months, the billionaire has set up triage units from coast to coast. These emergency centers will be manned by Trump campaign staff and volunteers.

DALLAS (The Barbed Wire) - The first step toward recovery, no matter what the addiction, is admitting you have a problem. Glenn Beck has finally reached rock bottom and agreed to seek professional help for his out-of-control Cheetos habit. Beck's admission came just after releasing a video of himself diving face first into a big bowl of crushed Cheetos.

AUSTIN (The Barbed Wire) - Donald Trump is feeling great these days after sweeping victories in five northeast states, and creeping closer to the magic number of 1237 delegates that are needed to secure the Republican nomination. However, Republican National Chair Reince Priebus says, "Not so fast."

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - Hillary Clinton is trying to become the first woman president. If she were a likable person, that would be one thing. She's not though, and that's why America needs to understand - Hillary would not be the Mother of the country, she would be the Mother-in-Law (MIL) of the country.

ATLANTA (The Barbed Wire) - CNN is going to wish they had never spent any time in the Democratic debate last week asking Hillary Clinton about releasing her transcripts for speeches she gave at Goldman Sachs - and speeches she charged an arm and a leg for. There are a few people in this world that would be worth spending $250,000 to hear their thoughts on life and the world, but Hillary Clinton is surely not one of them.

NEW JERSEY (The Barbed Wire) - Sympathetic to the plight of members of the LGBTQ community who might not feel they have all the necessary bathroom options, musicians are planning two events to bring awareness and raise money for the cause. Bruce Springsteen is the brain child behind the effort.

The popular children's show Sesame Street has a new Muppet character, hijab-wearing "Zari," who will be introduced on the Afghani version of the show. In PBS's effort to remain as politically correct as possible, the character is an Islamic girl who will teach children about female empowerment and education, among other things.

WASHINGTON (The Barbed Wire) - Now that this election cycle has been thrown into chaos for both political parties, news anchors, pundits, and cable guests can talk of nothing else than possible brokered conventions. A "brokered, open, or contested convention" is defined by Wikipedia as: a political clusterf**k, see also "the last thing voters want."

SILVER SPRING, MD (The Barbed Wire) - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has recently given approval for what doctors hope is the next great advancement in the sleeping aid category, and this one is cheap, non-addictive, and highly effective. Psychiatrists have known for several years that watching or listening to a speech given by Hillary Clinton will make most people drowsy in about 5 minutes.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - President Obama is upset that not everybody is heeding his example of partying your troubles away while ISIS is unleashing terror on locations around the world. Mr. Obama, the world's role model for insensitivity, and all-around jackass, is now blaming the loss of the war on terror on singer Mariah Carey.

MANHATTAN (The Barbed Wire) - No one really knows why North Korea's Kim Jong-un does the things he does, but the latest bluster coming from the dictator, and international spokesman for Supercuts, has security experts scratching their heads. For some reason, North Korea has it in for Manhattan, Kansas.

FLORIDA (The Barbed Wire) - On a campaign swing through the Sunshine State, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced the ace up his sleeve that he believes will help him overtake Donald Trump for the nomination - he's a rocker. Cruz unveiled a poster of his latest project, his very own rock band, Ted Zeppelin.

WORCESTER, MA (The Barbed Wire) - Mitt Romney made it clear last week how much he hates Donald Trump, and he even went so far as to tell voters not to vote for him - despite praising Trump's endorsement of Romney himself in 2012. Republicans feel blessed to have an establishment oracle as wise and all-knowing as two-time presidential loser Romney.

HOLLYWOOD (The Barbed Wire) - As polling companies try to explain the Donald Trump phenomenon this election cycle, experts have stumbled upon an exciting trend that seems to be behind the billionaire's rising numbers. It is the only thing so far that can explain the outsider's meteoric rise.

NEW YORK CITY (The Barbed Wire) - In the Pinhead Segment tonight, Fox News host Bill O'Reilly has lost custody of his two teenage children after it was revealed he had a history of domestic violence in the family home. Both children, 13 and 17, expressed wishes to live with their mother.

WASHINGTON D.C. (The Barbed Wire) - Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas opened his mouth for the first time in over ten years today while the Court was hearing arguments in a gun case. The utterance shocked and surprised everyone present.