'This is just a one-off, and statistically very unlikely to be repeated. We would like to reassure the public that we are utterly committed to achieving the very highest standards of disruption and chaos in the organisations we lead.'
'Research suggests that a lot of our customers would prefer to drink something stronger than tea or coffee with their Traditional Breakfasts, but feel too self-conscious to order a pint of real ale or industrial-strength lager at 8 o’clock in the morning.'
'Criminals will think twice about entering a church if they know they'll be confronted by a pastor wielding a bible in one hand and an AR-15 in the other.'
‘We’ve been laughed at for too long’ said Trump. ‘It’s time for follicly-challenged men everywhere to stand up and be counted. To stand tall and proud like your hair on a windy day on a championship links golf course’.
Experts believe that 'approximately a quarter of all serving officers are engaged on Operation Yewtree, twenty percent on historical abuse complaints and the remainder on investigating police cock ups at Hillsborough, the Miner's strike and 'that fracas outside the House of Commons'.
The student will be forced to walked naked through the streets of Draycott back to her home, followed by the entire Derby County football team chanting, ‘Shame, shame, shame!’