A man called Tim has been elected to something. Tim told a packed Vauxhall Corsa: ‘Hi everyone, my name’s Tim, and I am pleased most people voted for me, and if you voted for the other fella, well c'est la vie. That's politics. It is politics isn't it? Because I'm also up for being on the allotment committee.'
Thousands of librarians sacked as part of Operation Austerity are creating havoc on the streets of Britain. The incidents are modest at the outset – some aggressive tutting, an occasional stare at a noisy neighbour – but quickly escalate into a frenzy of violence and sexual excess.
A Camden-based graphics designer is to be the first person to travel around the world by unicycle. Asked if he was following in the footsteps of Columbus, Codey Grey said, 'He's so mainstream. You've probably never even heard of my favourite explorers.'
The Labour leadership has approved plans for an automatic ‘cooling off period’ before agreeing with the Conservatives on major policy initiatives such as the two child tax credit limit.
The Foreign Office has told UK citizens to leave Belgium as quickly as possible, claiming that it has become ‘dangerously tedious’. This follows months of tension, after the country was placed on a ‘drab alert’ back in the winter.
An extra 52 tourists visited for the Women's Football World Cup and their unexpected appetite for the fibrous drupe has led to a crisis, with 24 people who ‘swear by coconut water’ saying ‘Bloody hell, still no coconut water?’ and dying
In a referendum asking whether they wanted to kick the can down the road or to kick the can a long way down the road, the Greek people voted instead to kick the can over the wall. The government now seems likely to demand a never-ending supply of further, increasingly large, cans for them to continue to kick over the wall.
Worried Greek voters have only a few hours left to work out what the hell their 74 word referendum question actually means. Nearly ten million citizens are so confused by the wording of the question that they are unsure whether to vote Yes, No, or simply eat their ballot paper and follow it with an ouzo chaser.
‘Thousands never made it out of the movie theatres alive. It was carnage.’
Three generations of one family are feared to have taken a perilous trip to Margate after being radicalised by the Margate-tourism website. "We fear they may have been taken in by the swathes of PhotoShopped beaches, images with pensioners airbrushed out and, of course, you can't smell wee on a web page," said a senior detective working on anti-radicalisation duties with Scotland Yard.
large crowd gathered to watch the big screen at Wimbledon, now dubbed ‘Timmy’s telly’, as Henman made his commentating debut on the Woman's singles game between Li and Rodionova. However, he was completely out-analysed by Francesco Nova, who was making his debut for SportItalia.
Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’.
The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
A survey of UK incomes has confirmed that people with real jobs - defined by the government as ones they can explain to their parents - are destined to scrape along just above poverty levels until death, while total arseholes doing socially useless things that mean nothing to nobody have to compensate for their unpopularity with industrial quantities of loot.
The BBC has named Chris Evans as the new co-host of Top Gear when it returns with new host Chris Evans. The announcement was made on the BBC Radio 2 Chris Evans Breakfast Show this morning.
The head of the North Western Railway, Sir Topham Hatt, is to step down after he wildly underestimated its budget last year and will be replaced by Commissioner for Transport for London, Sir Peter Hendy.
'I’m currently working with festival co-ordinators to see how we can stretch out a performance of The Lady in Red over two days.’
Mr Blair concluded that it was probably best to leave things well alone for the time being.
At least £1.5 trillion has been lost in a nationwide scam that 'encourages' people to unwittingly transfer their money into a fraudster's account, according to Financial Fraud Study (FFS).
‘It’s a clever ruse, and utterly believable,’ said a spokesman for FFS. ‘The victim's employer receives a demand from a shady outfit calling itself HMRC to take a percentage of wages out of the victim's pay packet, falls for it, and then transfers the money to a 'safe account' where it can be frittered away by the fraudsters.’
‘It’s a clever ruse, and utterly believable,’ said a spokesman for FFS. ‘The victim's employer receives a demand from a shady outfit calling itself HMRC to take a percentage of wages out of the victim's pay packet, falls for it, and then transfers the money to a 'safe account' where it can be frittered away by the fraudsters.’
The discovery was made when Germany called round one afternoon.
Web designer Wayne Jennings was cautioned by Suffolk police yesterday after admitting that he knew "next to nothing" about singer Taylor Swift.