In a move thought to be the first of its kind Arsenal have placed midfielder Jack Wilshere on a zero-hours contract after running out of patience with the constantly injured player. As a result Wilshere will now be paid only when he plays for the club, a move that is expected to reduce his monthly earnings from £360K to a projected £87.19.
Government plans to reform SAS recruitment procedure have run into a hail of criticism. It is understood that applicants will be asked to travel through the channel tunnel in under 48 hours, and buy and assemble an entire IKEA kitchen without either also buying a pack of tealights, or having a cup of tea - a suggestion which had drawn fire from human rights groups.
‘These thieves stole £300,000 of racing memorabilia – when they could have just bought some sleeping pills.’
A spokesman for Sky said 'This was an extremely rare event; and we have put in place many security measures, including trip wires, air tight doors and automatically extending contracts.
'Obviously they were close. I mean they had to work together for all those years.'
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The medical team danced around the operating theatre, miming the letters of the song's title at every chorus.
'The Duchess is to relinquish her ‘softer’ public facing role in favour of some hard graft,' said a Kensington Palace spokesperson, 'she is very much looking forward to the prospect of surveying chain anchor legs and inspecting and stabilising underwater oil-pipelines.'
Amid the controversy surrounding the killing of 'Cecil' the lion, the focus has now switched from a US poacher with a dental license, to 'some naked dude' without hunting license. Zimbabwean officials have accused a Mr. Herecles of using his gnarled club to kill both a lion and a hydra - all while having his 'junk on display'.
While two fellow drivers looked on sniggering, an Amazon delivery man demanded steak and chips then punched the customer in the face when the request was refused.
Daily Mail thrown into turmoil after revelations that they have been unwittingly encouraging asylum seekers to come to Britain.
In news that will bring joy to animal lovers everywhere, it was discovered that dentist Walt Palmer did not kill Cecil, ‘King of the Jungle’, and instead only shot two poor, desperate Zimbabweans dressed up in a furry suit.
Following a recent survey of marine wildlife off the coast of Cornwall police are investigating reports than an illegal money-lender, or 'loan shark', may have been sighted patrolling shallow waters in Newquay bay.
Jeremy Corbyn took another huge step in the Labour premiership race last night with a hard fought win away from home at relegation struggler Liz Kendal.
David Cameron has said seagulls from Devon and Cornwall could be sent to Syria in a bid to help coalition forces tackle Islamist insurgents. A spokesperson for the unfussy seabirds said the gulls were definitely ‘up for a fight’, and would do whatever it takes to repel the terrorist threat posed by IS militia, especially if there was a fish supper in it for them.
Migrants have been making a series of complaints today at delays experienced at the Eurostar tunnel.
An expert formerly employed by the Department of Education, now thought to have gone rogue, admitted today that the government's much-vaunted 'academies' programme consists solely of calling schools by another word that means the same thing.
A Chelsea fan who received a banning order for racially abusing a man on the Paris Metro has been offered his old job back.
ITV has apologised for atrocities it committed in the 1970s, including Love Thy Neighbour and On The Buses.
In a bid to save the second test against Australia, England has upped-stumps and moved the match to St Andrews Golf Course.
Archaeologists working on a site just outside Athens have discovered what they believe is a hitherto unknown chapter of Plato's seminal work 'The Republic', a guide to the structure and governance of an ideal state. The discovery has sent shockwaves through the philosophical community, particularly in its description of a concept Plato calls 'tax'.