'Perhaps in the heat of the moment my saying civilisation would end if he became leader was a little hasty and that my saying anyone who voted for him was a moron was misquoted and out of context.
Actually some of my friends are raving lefty loonies, er - I mean principled comrades...
BBC News watchers have been warned to expect 24 hour Owen Jones, with possible outbreaks of Russell Brand, as the El Corbyno media storm shows no sign of abating.
Islamic State has declared today that UNESCO attempts to recreate the Temple of Bel using the virtual Lego game, Minecraft, would be "destroyed" by IS gamers accessing and corrupting UNESCO servers.
It has long been rumoured that veteran entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth has led a double life. "You don't think he got that gong for his fumbled autocued ad libs, do you?" asked an espionage expert today.
Despite their best attempts to demolish the Temple of Bel, the Islamic State has been unable to explode a variety of stacked geometric shapes. Although the historical city of Palmyra boasts more than 1,000 columns, 500 tombs and many coloured squares - the military group has repeatedly 'topped out' to the soundtrack of the 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy'.
It has been revealed today that a collection of audio cassettes seized from Osama Bin Laden’s abandoned Afghan compound, actually contain an alarming amount of 80s pop tunes.
Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.
Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.
Schoolchildren from a South London primary school have entered the county of Wiltshire, and are heading toward Stonehenge, according to reports.
Scotland Yard spokesperson for The 1997 – 2000 'Birding with Bill Oddie,' child abuse enquiry said this morning that accusations were filtering in from several minors invited to the filming that Bill Oddie 'never touched them up'.
Lord Chilcot is reported to be 'delighted' to accept the commission to conduct an impartial inquiry as to why Downing Street this week ruled out an inquiry into the lateness of the Chicot Inquiry. 'It smacks of a cover-up', sources close to Chilcot confided.
In a rare interview for Esquire this week, actor Andy Serkis credited his meteoric rise in the film industry to modelling the portrayal of Gollum on a train driver he knew on the London Underground.
‘Nice remote village, but very noisy at night,’ paraphrased a North Korean tourist official, reading the latest entry on Trip Advisor for Panmonjon village, located in the middle of the DMZ. ‘The South are driving tourists away from the DMZ with their propaganda loudspeakers blaring away day and night,’ he said.
Researchers at London's Royal Institute for Domestic Sciences has announced that a matrix algorithm they devised, taking in factors such as food type, geography, level of expertise, celebrity type, history and diet fads, has proved conclusively that every single combination of cookbook is now available at any time to anyone in the world in any form.
The Department of Transport has confirmed that BMW drivers will continue to be exempt from queueing at roadworks for a further year. ‘We try to give a good half mile notice of lane closures so that non-BMWs can get out of the way, enabling BMWs to get straight to the bottleneck without waiting,’ a spokesman explained.
‘We shamefully at on our hands during the Rachel Dolezal controversy, ‘ said a spokesman for the popular sing and dance troupe, ‘but now another of our brothers is being victimised for not being truly black, or even blackish, so we have to stand up and be counted ... in, one, two three.. oh, de mixed up races sing dis song, doo dah..’
‘He holidayed on the Death Star, I let him destroy a planet’, sobbed Lord Vader. ‘He even asked if I could lend it him to deal with a ‘pesky’ nation he was bothered about. I’ll vote Tory next time – they never forget a friendly tyrant.’
The Oxford English Dictionary has announced that it is redefining the meaning of certain words in the light of their usage deviating from international variations. A spokesman added that the OED is ‘determined to embrace modern word usage, like totally’.
In an open letter to the Royal Family, the world's paparazzi have demanded that Prince George stop ruining their attempts to photograph London's landscapes. The camera-obsessed child has repeatedly interrupted journalists, demanding they capture shots of his 'new gym bod' and telling them to 'hit like' if they think he's sexy.
John Prescott has declined the role of James Bond because he felt the role was 'a bit sexist' and 'lacked the scholasticated gravitas' he would naturally bring to any performance, despite the inevitability of any public ballot for the role means that fans will overwhelmingly vote for him, particularly the ladies.
In an episode of Dragons' Den due to be broadcast by the BBC next month it has been revealed that the Greek Government appeared before the Dragons in an effort to secure much needed funds.
The real-estate magnate and Presidential-hopeful, has emerged as the GOP's frontrunner to become America's new codeword for crossing emotional and moral boundaries. Organized BDSM groups will be using the phrase 'Donald Trump' to warn members when they are about to exceed sexual limits or say 'something dumbass about menstruation'.