NewsBiscuit

NASA has admitted that it spent billions of dollars fabricating images of salt deposits on the planet Mars purely to bump ticket sales for Ridley Scott's ‘The Martian’, though it has drawn a blank in fabricating acting talent for its star, Matt Damon.

A drone flying over the Basingstoke area has captured 'spine-tingling' and 'disturbing' images of a former X-Factor contestant, who had been personally built by Simon Cowell out of blonde highlights and his old Versace suits but was subsequently abandoned when a similar contestant on a rival show had 'gone nuclear' smashing up a famous London eaterie.

'You can imagine my surprise when I totalled it up to just over twenty three trillion pounds plus some pesetas left over from an old holiday and some of those funny pennies they used to use in Cyprus,'

The after effects we've had reported include a penchant for wide-knotted metallic ties, an inability to realise you're parked poorly, a tendency to speak too loudly when using a Bluetooth headset, and a general feeling of excessive smugness.'

Beelzebub has recalled a trillion handcarts we’re all going to hell in because their poisonous emissions are ‘not toxic enough’.

'Phwoarr, wouldn't mind giving 'er a column on a regular basis!' remarked Rusbridger to a barrage of male laughter. Other members of staff agreed it was an excellent idea, including features writer George 'Balls of Steel' Monbiot.

Although the Prime Minister was keen to talk about international bank rates, the situation in the Mediterranean and the cooler autumn weather, Her Majesty kept coming back to the unspecified accusations she had heard about on Radio 4 news.

Everyone you know or have ever heard of is taking illegal drugs, involved in some kind of nefarious deception or shagging the pants off someone they shouldn't be, a new study suggests.

'They also seem to form an orderly queue at the fallopian tubes in a 'very polite and English considerate 'you first, no after you' fashion'.

'I realise now that I was acting like an idiotic one man kangaroo court, and would like to apologise to the bench,' said Commissioner John Jenkins, after he admitted to locking up Vince Hilaire, for a minor offence, and throwing away the key.

SLK52 the world's most advanced robot, has left its developers angry and frustrated after announcing that it will no longer work, opting instead to claim a range of benefits from its home in Wembley.

The BBC today announced a new show, entitled ‘Jez'll Fix It’, to beef up its autumn schedules.

The show, to be broadcast live at noon every Wednesday, will see its avuncular, grey-haired presenter ‘Jez’ Corbyn read out a number of questions sent in by viewers to Prime Minister David Cameron.

The Chairman of Waitrose PLC today returned from the Munich headquarters of German supermarket chain Lidl, announcing that he had secured an agreement that would ensure ‘no price war in our time’.

Following the formation of a continuity New Labour party, Real New Labour has argued with Provisional New Labour whether they should support them or not. ‘There appears to be a split’ said one MP. ‘I disagree’ said another ‘It's more of a disagreement than a split’. Several MPs have stated that they feel that this is much the same thing, whereas others argue that it is, in fact, quite different.

Pope Francis has spoken of his intention to make annulments easier although, as yet, it is unclear if this relates to a change in his own marital status. However the pontiff has also denied claims that he his been pandering to Tudor monarchs, Mickey Rooney and the cast of ‘Strictly Come Dancing’...

In an awkward farewell to their tenure with the BBC, the Meteorological Office caused consternation today when they predicted that Tuesday morning's weather would only be 'misty'. Radio listeners who hadn't mentally turned off as soon as the forecast started were left confused when the usual 'and murky' was omitted from the forecast.

'Just what is happening with our weather?' demanded Radio 2 listener Colin Pope, 62. 'It can't be just misty. It has to be misty and murky...'

In another momentous act of humility and grace, Pope Francis has confirmed that he will work 24/7 to enable the Lord to take a 2-week break from planet Earth. The one true God had earlier revealed that he was 'in the midst of a celestial crisis and tired of dealing with the puny sins of humankind'. He bemoaned not taking one day of annual leave since organising the welcome party for His Son into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Syrian migrants are set to become this years ‘must have’ accessory, after socialite Paris Hilton was photographed leaving an exclusive Munich fashion store with a desperate refugee clinging to her Louis Vuitton Kusama Pumpkin handbag...

Sir Bobby Charlton has pledged that his all-time England goal scoring record is only out on loan to Wayne Rooney. The 77 year old England and Manchester United legend confirmed he is back in training with a view to catching Roy Hodgson’s eye ahead of next summer’s European Championships in France.

‘First thing this morning I was down training at Carrington with Nobby Stiles putting me through my paces...’

The election front-runner, Jeremy Corbyn, has rejected the rumour that the popular socialist super-group has 'split' for good. Although Yvette Cooper has hinted that she may pursue solo projects, a spokesman for Harry Styles has said he is still committed to 'progressive centre-left politics' and 'screaming twelve year old girls'.

The group claim to have had four number ones but voters can only remember their fetid pile of 'number twos'...