NewsBiscuit

'I pulled £27 Billion out of it last week and I reckon there could be more up there'.

Despite senior generals saying UK will need boots on the ground to fight in 'Stalingrad' operations; to topple ISIS Mr. Cameron says a couple of Tornadoes will do it as he has limited edition Charizard and a shiny Blastoise that will give them special powers.

In the UK they're ISIL, ISIS or just plain IS. In Germany they are called ISO, in France they are just plain old EI and our American cousins prefer the term, 'muslims'. The group, itself, likes the name "Daesh" and this is becoming a problem for news media around the world.

A spokesman for the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future today announced that they would be seeking talks with the Chancellor to help him see the follies of his austerity policy. He has been previously visited by other Dickensian characters, but reacted by cutting the art subsidy to Vincent Crummles, removing the Artful Dodger's Jobseeker's Allowance and cancelling Daniel Quilp's disability benefit.

Following the outstanding success of her third album, 25, Adele's record label have announced that she is to issue a fourth comprising songs entirely about the travails of supporting Tottenham Hotspur. The album, scheduled for release in the spring, is entitled 82, after the last year that Spurs were any good.

A small number may moan that Tory councils are putting up their Autumn Statement street lights and decorations earlier and earlier each year. However, the majority of the public are getting into the festive austerity cheer.

'As the nights grow longer and the weather gets colder, it is wonderful to have a magical event to light up these dark times,' one Tory councillor said.

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed that, despite the progress made by his department, the country’s National Health Service is only held in utter contempt by the Government currently, and not yet complete disregard. As a result, he and his colleagues are set to redouble their efforts to royally piss off everyone that actually cares about NHS care, in an effort to provoke a reaction that the rest of the cabinet can pour scorn upon.

Members of the public expressed their gratitude today that the media conglomerate, Celestia, had finally ended speculation by: 'putting a f@#king number on the front of their f@#king building'. First time visitors, postmen and taxi drivers have hailed the move as finally putting a number: 'where you'd f@#king logically expect it'.

'It was my own fault', David Jackson said. 'I knew I only had two hours, but I lost track of time. The traffic warden was only doing his job, and I have only myself to blame'.

Desmond, Tegan and Wendy are among the future storm names affecting the UK and Ireland chosen by members of the public to be replaced as Abigail and Barney were largely ignored.

They come in their dozens to lay cards and wreaths at the site of the crash. Among them, some simple pansies tied to a fence with a card bearing the single inscription 'why?' Next to that, another card with what appears to be the explanation 'Because he walked into the path of a lorry'.

Following on from the news that Prime Minister David Cameron and his senior ministers are to get their own plane for official trips, Downing Street have also announced a flurry of new ministerial vehicles.

All senior ministers will have access to a fleet of Maybach chauffeur driven cars (provided by Knight enterprises); a refitted train (believed to be formerly the Hogwarts express); a luxury ministerial yacht and speedboat; a number of 'Airwolf' helicopters; and Thunderbird 2.

Fresh from the triumph of its new XJ42 Infinibook, Texas computer outfit Dell has announced it has bought UK singing sensation Adele.

Bowed by public pressure and surrounded by bodyguards a Mr. Gary Stevens, of West Norwood, has revealed that he is to blame for Adele’s plaintive wailing and multi-million pound angst. His ill-fated romance with the singer in 2005 forced him to him to become a fugitive, concealing from friends and family that he was the muse behind such Adele classics as ‘Someone Like You’, ‘I hope your kn@b rots off’ and the melodic ‘Die, you cheating bastard, die’.

A BBC-commissioned survey finds that 64% of people in the UK are unaware that the Northern cities, such as Manchester and Newcastle, have electricity and running water. When asked to describe the North of England, most Brits believed Northerners to live in mud yurts, or travel together in roaming tribal mobs.

David Cameron has written a stern letter to Prime Minister David Cameron, complaining about cuts to public services.

Cameron, who is on the verge of implementing a further round of swingeing cuts, was scathing about his behaviour, saying that it was "unacceptable to be cutting front line services at this difficult time". However, Cameron has delivered a stinging rebuke to himself, accusing him of "hypocrisy" and challenging him on how to provide the money to run "the kind of quality services that the voters of this country have come to expect".

Jeremy Corbyn, the so-called leader of the Labour Party caused outrage today as he blatantly refused to salute a single magpie which he encountered in Kensington High Street in full view of a Daily Mail reporter and great supporter of Her Majesty the Queen and our armed forces.

Bryan Hancock, a 32-year-old unemployed alcoholic with a hair-trigger temper from Manchester, has been bemused to be told by the voices in his head to go and give his house a good tidying-up. Following on from his instructions from God or the devil, he isn't sure which, Hancock has reluctantly spent two hours cleaning scale off the walls in his shower.

In a move that market analysts say is sure to be popular with their EU female clientele, Starbucks have revealed that their new Christmas cup is a protest against the EU's tax on female sanitary products.

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong has formally renounced his American nationality and become a Russian citizen, having become disillusioned with the US stance on yellow wristbands. He now intends to compete for Russia in a number of different disciplines at the Rio Olympics in 2016, such as cycling, rowing, discus, hammer throwing, 100 metres and synchronised swimming.