Jessehadden

PORTLAND, OR — The rules are simple. You pack up a bowl. You watch Citizen Kane. And every time someone says “rosebud,” you take a hit.

ARTISANAL PRESS — Donald Trump’s inflammatory remarks are once again dominating headlines. This time, the reality-TV-star-turned-politician is talking about how, as president, he will claim the extraordinary power to execute anyone, of any age, anywhere in the world, based solely on his personal presumption that said person is a radical Islamist. Far from being a last-resort option or a bluff, Trump says he plans on flexing this power on a regular weekly schedule.

Popular anti-religion bigot argues that Robert Dear was raised on ancient stories advocating the violent subjugation of women as "breedingstock."

ARTISANAL PRESS — Facebook has added a Minnesota flag filter that users can superimpose on top of their profile pictures, as a gesture of solidarity after last night’s terrorist attack in Minneapolis.

ARTISANAL PRESS — The United States Congress passed a motion during a special session this weekend, heretofore designating the popular deep-fried potato strips menu item in the Congressional cafeteria as “French fries.” The motion was intended as a display of solidarity with the people of France, following the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.

PORTLAND, OR — Tragedy struck last night as thousands of viewers watched live, when a freak accident left local TV news weatherman Alphonso Matte severely disfigured. An as-yet-undetermined malfunction with the station’s green screen technology, used to create the illusion that a weatherperson is standing in front of an animated display, is believed to be responsible.

Portland Police: "Someone is purposefully and slowly trying to kill your child over a period of the next forty to fifty years."

Friends of a young black girl savagely beaten on camera by a cop are raising money to help him heal from the serious injuries he should have received.

It's time to talk about toxic infanthood.

Cream, sugar, even shots of flavored syrup — it's sickening, in its vapid herd-like mediocrity.

Doctors will chop off the gross pieces of little Joseph McCallister's tiny baby genitalia later this afternoon in a routine procedure.

Enraged by a painting of his face made with the artist's own menstrual blood, Trump reportedly painted a mockery of menstruation made with his own face.