"That's why The Queen has to practice putting her crown on. If her eyes go like that she looks really funny." Harry Zonderblurb, Psychiatrist
94 year-olds across the country are to have a minute's f*ck off today at 11:30 today in solidarity with Prince Philip, a 94 year old told this newspaper.
"If you can't buy ice cream from a stranger who can you buy it from?" Jessie Krufts, Stranger
"Try a bit of Elvis Presley next time, I used to scream at him when I was their age." Fred Flunkee, Hoola Hooper
Pluto, the one time planet finally pictured by NASA after a probe traveled 9 zillion-gagillion-billion miles to see it close up for the first time yesterday, is also a Greek God who presides over the afterlife, it has been discovered.
"I always sleep with my tongue out of my mouth. It scares the home help every time." Fred Flunkee, Good Ole Boy
"It's far too close to a hotdog, almost cannibalism." Kent Rugby, Catcher
"The military uses for this are endless. Especially for crazy bald bad guys with cats." Jessie Krufts, James Bond Impersonator
Only days after we published pictures of some royal family or other joking about and playing Hitler in the back garden in 1933, evidence that supermarkets are making customers do the Hitler Salute when getting items from high shelves has been shown to this investigative newspaper for the first time.
"Shame the black guy with a similar YouTube channel was shot dead by the police for that though. It looks sooo much like a gun..." Jessie Krufts, Police Commissioner
Japanese company Mitsubishi was criticised last night for saying sorry in a comedic Japanese accent, it was claimed last night.
"But on the other hand, if little cute puppy there got a splinter in the underside doing that, that would be the howliest, gnarliest, sound you have ever heard. It would dissolve that smiley child's face into a red mass of water and sobby half spoken breaths. Even I would downclick that." Jessie Krufts, Incinerator Manager
"I hope they aren't expecting milk from these teats." Kent Rugby, Shirtless Dancer
Microsoft announced the release of what could be their last Windows operating system this week and it made us cry with pride that we have been using Windows for years.
"How tall is that Police Officer if that camera is her body cam?" Jessie Krufts, Shortist
Summer holidayers across the world have been warned not to eat ice creams while crossing busy roads, according to the United Nations.
"I need to get me some Thug Life sunglasses. Or a pretty bird." Jimmy Popper, Punches Above His Weight
"I lose complete control of all my body's emissions when I sneeze. Just know that, fans, before inviting me to a sneeze party again." Jimmy Popper, Nurse
James Bond was stopped from boarding a flight after his weapon made the airport machines go off.
As Australian authorities move to ban Vegemite from sale in some communities because it is being bought in bulk and used to make alcohol, we sent our reporter to find out what the alcohol made out of Vegemite actually taste like. And what we found out may shock many of our gentle readers.