TheNilAdmirari

AUSTIN, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - A new Texas school textbook titled "Remembering the Great Confederacy" analyzes Robert E. Lee's presidency and the South's freeing of the slaves following the Civil War. The Texas Board of Education has announced the book will be used in every district in the state beginning this coming school year.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, actor and comedian Bill Cosby announced he will run for president as a Republican. The producer and star of "The Cosby Show" believed the accusations he drugged and raped 40+ women over four decades will be viewed as a positive by Republican primary voters, because "I take what I want and blame the victims after exploiting them."

MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Nil Admirari) - Republican Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker signed a $73 billion two-year budget today that will establish a feudalistic system throughout the state beginning in January 2016. The budget from the Republican-dominated legislature mandates all residents of Wisconsin who do not make at least $250,000 annually will be serfs tied to specific portions of land owned by a wealthy lord they are legally required to provide labor for.

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA (The Nil Admirari) - The Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) had a bake sale outside the South Carolina State House today to raise money to increase its ownership of 21st Century Fox (FOXA), which is the parent company of Fox News. At present, the KKK group owns 3% of Fox News and has a goal of reaching 5% ownership by the end of 2015.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Koch brothers' puppet Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R) announced his candidacy to destroy America's economy by using the same failed trickle-down economic policies he has employed in Wisconsin. Walker's announcement was largely overshadowed by the unfolding debt crisis in Greece, which Walker promised would pale in comparison to what he intended to do to the global economy.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Department of Defense (DoD) announced today Operation Loon Star was far from being completed in Texas and would definitely not be finished prior to the start of Operation Jade Helm 15 on Wednesday. Operation Loon Star was originally reported on by TNA on May 13th, and is a military operation that began on May 15th with the objective of addressing a mental health epidemic in Texas.

IRAQ & SYRIA (The Nil Admirari) - The Islamic State announced today its long-term goal was to be more deadly to Americans than armed Americans. The terrorist group released its statement after getting its hands on statistics showing tens of thousands more Americans have been killed by other Americans with guns than by all Islamic terrorist attacks and all wars combined since September 10th, 2001.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Congressional Republicans announced today that despite a nuclear agreement between President Obama and Iran they were still very optimistic about a war with the Iranians. Republicans pointed to the extremists in Iran and to themselves as being the ultimate reason why peace would never be successfully negotiated between the two powers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, former Vice President Dick Cheney voiced his considerable displeasure with the nuclear agreement reached between the Obama administration and Iran. Cheney also announced his intention to travel to Iran and shoot Ayatollah Ali Khamenei - Supreme Leader of Iran - in the face with birdshot.

GREECE (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, all Greeks who lived outside the capital of Athens decided it was time to break into the city-state model again to show the complete lack of cultural and political unity in Greece. The announcement was made by the Greek people in response to the Syriza government in Athens betraying Greeks by agreeing to a harsh bailout from the European Union (EU).

IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee unveiled his "Boys Will Be Boys" platform today. Huckabee's platform touts his moral superiority and excuses murder, rape, and a whole host of other crimes if a male offender claims to be a Christian, but brings down the full force of the law for women, religious minorities, and members of the LGBT community.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, the Fox Broadcasting Company announced a new political reality show that will force contestants to work with each other respectfully to achieve common goals. "Work Together or Die" will take place in a wing of Bellevue Hospital in New York City, and boast contestants like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O'Reilly.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News claimed it had obtained semi-credible evidence the Islamic State completed a base on the moon, and would attack America "imminently, and at any moment." Right-wing blogger and renowned pot stirrer Pamela Geller claimed she received a Facebook friend request from "Muhammad Moon Base 1" this morning, which she claimed contained the threat to America.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced today he was ready to serve in the Vietnam War. Trump said he received several deferments from the war for being too young to be command-in chief, but he has always had a strategy to win the Vietnam War and promised to share it only after he was elected president.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS (The Nil Admirari) - The Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) today released the results of its "President Trump Simulations." The university announced that in 97.9% of simulations, any meeting between a President Trump and a foreign official resulted in a war.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - A clearly drunk Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced today he purchased a controlling interest in the Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery. Boehner purchased 51% of the winery because it produced the jugs of Carlo Gallo Chablis he liked.

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie informed the nation he was going to be louder, meaner, and far more obnoxious. Christie blamed Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump for "raising the bully bar," and taking media attention away from his bullying on the campaign trail.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Texas Rick Perry announced he will be swapping his reading glasses for a monocle and a smoking pipe. The move was characterized by political observers as Perry conceding the reading glasses had failed to make him appear more intelligent to Americans.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this evening, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released 394 cockfighting videos allegedly related to an illegal cockfighting and gambling ring run by Donald Trump - another Republican presidential candidate. Trump quickly denied any role in illegal cockfighting or gambling, and said he "loves cocks" and would never put two roosters into a cockpit to brawl.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - The Republican National Committee announced today it will be having all of its presidential candidates compete with each other to see who can make a child of illegal immigrants cry the fastest. The competition will be named "Only the Republican Who Makes a Child of Illegal Immigrant Parents Cry Fastest Can Truly Protect America," and will take place at 9pm EST on Thursday, August 20th near the El Paso, Texas border crossing.