TheNilAdmirari

"Fox News has real journalists, and is not a propaganda network that incessantly disseminates right-wing talking points. Our team wants to give Americans the most fair and balanced debate between presidential candidates in the history America," declared Fox News CEO Roger Ailes.

Donald Trump was worth $79.26 in 2015 when accounting for all of his expenses and outstanding debts.

"We're gonna making sure those lovable, loose-cannon Trump-lovers show up in king-size White voting gangs to get Trump to wherever the gosh-darn president lives in Columbia," explained Palin.

"Over 81% of Americans didn't even realize it's just one big evolving war in Iraq where we try to fix our mistakes and only seem to make it worse. It's been going on for over a quarter of a century now," reported Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.

"Over 81% of Americans didn't even realize it's just one big evolving war in Iraq where we try to fix our mistakes and only seem to make it worse. It's been going on for over a quarter of a century now," reported Senior TNA Researcher Dick Schneider.

"This is unbelievable. This kind of thing never happens in the United States," said Mandy Hammer, who awoke this morning from a coma she had been in for over fifty years.

Donald Trump is preselling America's nuclear arsenal in anticipation of becoming president and making America great again.

American corporate media tired of humoring the American people with charade of democracy.

"I asked to speak to Donald Trump so he could tell me why he took all my money, and I was told it would cost $50,000 to transfer me," Mr. Ford told Mrs. Rodgers.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the corporate media ran a live speech by presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump while ten Americans died due to lack of access to healthcare in the richest country in the history of humanity.

The White House condemned Senator McConnell's announcement, and asserted it was "pretty sure" a dead man's ghost could not serve on the Supreme Court.

"I don't know what has gotten into Conrad lately. He can never be wrong. It's like Conrad no longer has any grip on reality, and blatantly lies about everything," explained Hazzard, an electrician and married father of two.

Corporate media consumers were urged to continue watching the developing story so they could appreciate how afraid they needed to be, and how terrorism must be the automatic assumption when the cause of a tragedy was not immediately known.​

Hazard also explained Clinton became extremely agitated when she learned Bernie Sanders had not called to quit the race, and charged, "I can't believe he hasn't quit yet. I just can't believe it."

At press time, Alabama had already pledged to strip women of the right to vote.

The Donald Trump presidential campaign slogan - stolen from Ronald Reagan's 1980 presidential campaign - appeared to be a catchy, but essentially meaningless phrase meant to appeal to a growing number of Americans who were hopelessly ignorant of civics and history.

Hillary Clinton to receive certificate for "good job" keeping America's secrets while she headed the State Department.

Trump continued, "I won't have a war veteran and huge hero tarnished just because he wants to support me, or because he is dead, or because he was maybe - maybe - a Nazi."

A large majority of Americans think watching two highly dangerous psychopaths pretend they care about them will epically suck.

"The American Dream is dead, and I am going to be doing some great things as president to make sure we never miss it," Trump vaguely hinted at the nightmare to come if he won the White House.