PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania--After working with Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow for more than a year, quarterback coach Tom House believes he has finally identified the reason the Heisman Trophy-winning play caller has had such difficulty improving on his much-maligned throwing motion. "Timmy masturbates a lot," House says, "Profusely. And with an amazing amount of vigor. I…
MIAMI, Florida--Evidence continues to mount that the driver of the vehicle just up ahead must think he's the only motorist on the goddamned road, according to a source at the scene. It also appears highly likely that the cocksucking asshole could use some fucking driving lessons. "Look at that piece of shit," the source says, "He's…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The United States Supreme Court ruled today 5-4 that size does not matter in any way in matters pertaining to human physiology. "It's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the ocean," said Chief Justice John Roberts, "That's been, not only my personal belief, but a belief shared by our forefathers when…
So majestic BLOOMINGTON, Minnesota--Noted animal rights activist Jasmin Willowtree said today that while she stands by her view that big-game trophy hunting is a cruel and selfish practice, she was left speechless by the stunning beauty of the stuffed and mounted head of Cecil the Lion. "People who feel the desire to take the lives…
Come to think of it... MILFORD, Connecticut--Subway Vice President of Marketing Jeremy Conway admitted today that there were several statements made by former spokesman Jared Fogle during his initial audition that probably should have raised red flags and possibly affected the company's decision to hire him. "(Fogle's) movements when he held the sub was very…
Carrot after a recent arrest PAWNEE, Illinois--Two years ago Carrot, a seven-year-old Australian Shepherd mix, made national headlines when he was named as the sole beneficiary in the will of his owner, Mary Stewart, who left her entire $30 million estate to the dog. This week Carrot was in the news again when it was…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Sources within the Obama administration confirmed today that the White House has purchased property insurance through State Farm that covers the entire state of Missouri. The policy lists President Obama as the sole owner, and will only pay in the event of a total loss. "If the entire state were to become, let's say,…
NEW YORK CITY--Sean Hannity, host of the Fox News program Hannity, shocked his legions of fans today when he revealed that he has been diagnosed with an extremely rare and chronic form of stupidity. Hannity said the stupidity was at such an advanced stage when it was discovered that there is very little that can…
AUSTIN, Texas--Governor Greg Abbott has responded to growing concerns from residents all across the state who believe the Perseids Meteor Shower to be a carefully orchestrated ruse that the Obama administration plans to use to steal their guns, abort their babies, smuggle disease-ridden brown people across their borders, marry their gays, and educate their children.…
Can you speak up? I have shit in my ears. MARYVILLE, Arkansas—GOP presidential hopeful and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee visited Miss Cynthia Parker’s first grade art class at Maryville Elementary School today, where he reportedly left the entire class in awe when he displayed his own impressive artistic talent by drawing a remarkably detailed…
Pigot? Maybe BOSTON, Massachusetts—Dr. Henry Wadsworth, a linguistics professor at Boston College, is heading a team comprised of some of the world’s top linguists that is attempting to find the perfect word to describe billionaire real estate mogul and presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “There are many wonderful terms that accurately describe various components of Mr.…
JACKSON, Mississippi—Officer Clyde Harris, a twelve-year veteran of the Jackson Police Department who earlier this year was exonerated after fatally shooting an unarmed black man, has admitted to colleagues and those closest to him that, even though he has faced intense criticism from various groups and individuals across the nation, he feels extremely fortunate that…
Sandusky calls prison "Way better than I expected." FRANKLIN TOWNSHIP, PA—When 14 year-old Joey Patrick found out earlier this year that the cancer he had struggled with for the last two years was no longer in remission, he told his parents that his last wish was to experience what so many healthy boys his age…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Joe Biden briefed media today on his upcoming schedule, the status of several projects his office is working on, and his mastery of a deadly effective karate move that is virtually impossible to defend. “We’ll be in Omaha on Wednesday and Boise the following day,” Biden said, “And I’m going to request…
ATLANTA—Local good old boy lawbreakers Bo Darville and Cledus Snow are preparing to take on what some are calling an impossible task as they attempt to make a run to Texarkana, Texas in an 18 wheeler, pick up 400 cases of Coors beer and make a return delivery here—all in the next 28 hours. “We’re…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation's capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters. The bill, authored by Sen. Patrick Miyagi (D-HI), has passed the Senate and has been sent to President Obama. Proponents of the proposed new law argue…
WASHINGTON, D.C.--As more Americans discover the extent of their long-repressed offendedness by anything associated with the Confederate flag, the Obama administration today announced that the current U.S. flag would undergo a makeover to remove any symbols that might lead Americans to associate it with the Stars and Bars. "The most obvious aspects we will have…
Newport, Rhode Island--Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu. Sources close to Mariucci say that friends and family never imagined that he was so big a pussy that he could be killed by a disease named after fucking birds.…
JUPITER ISLAND, Florida--After several seasons of sub-par performances and pushing through various physical ailments, PGA superstar Tiger Woods is finally regaining his form and performing like a much younger man, according to several local prostitutes. "He definitely has his fire back," says Cookie, a dancer at Sensations, a local club, "He approaches every hole with…
NEW YORK CITY--In an effort to increase membership and an eye toward modernization, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America will soon begin allowing girls to complete many of the tasks required to be Girl Scouts on the internet, according to GSUSA Director of Communication Hannah Marquez. Marquez cited the recent success of…