I'm a man who took more than half a month tracking down a bird with nothing but the shirt on his back and an $800 bird costume. A proud man.
More visitors than Reagan's! Fewer tears than Kennedy's! Less graffiti than Bush's! The Donald J. Trump Presidential library is legit on fleet.
Hey Santa, could you spend a little time with me this year after coming down the chimney? You know, discuss Bitcoin valuations and eat some cookies.
I've had it. The picture of me in your "cool" MeUndies boxer briefs that you just sent to eleven different women really pushed me over the edge.
"We will play until someone hits the ball past the green patch!" Mikey announces. As pitcher, I know this means we're in for a forever-inning.
The ride starts up and our car whips around and gathers speed. "HOLY SHIT we're heading straight for the fence!" my coffee conscience says.
True story: An albino man named Moth operates shock collars behind the scenes, delivering painful volts if an employee comes within 25 feet of a customer.
I'm glad to know it's WOMEN who are responsible for the sexual harassment reform movement, and not the flagging appeal of my aging ass.
Before planning your trip to Africa, consider the advice of someone who has been there many times and is totally not making stuff up based on movies.
There's nothing like coming home at the end of the day to a tiny, dingy $800-a-month basement apartment to remind you that your dreams are a sham.
So difficult to get things done with the Senate always getting in the way, but these filibusters, they make it hard. We need filibuster reform, even if it is such a fun word to say.
The farting, the boozing, the singing, the lamenting... good grief, what a bunch of lazy, pretentious midgets with nothing to do but stir up drama.
I can't help but wonder, are the things that made me an unappealing romantic companion to Gretchen the same things that make me an unappetizing meal to witches?
Billie Jean squeezes the pimple on Jane's back and the white oily insides explode. The release is orgasmic, and the girls decide they can be pop stars.
With famous parents, you have the advantage of not needing to beat around the bush and pretend to be considerate of their feelings; you can just ask them for a job!
Italy: "I just called Comcast and asked if there's an extra charge for Rome-ing? ...Hello? What are you? An audience or a Michelangelo painting?"
Why don't Elsa's gloves freeze when she's wearing them? Those manacles they clapped onto her hands when she was in prison sure froze though, didn't they?
Tim Cook's voice sounded almost dreamlike as it reverberated off the pillars and buttresses of the repurposed superchurch that served as Apple's Announcement Pod.
My girlfriend Mary Lou always told me to stop twirling my mustache and tying her to train tracks, but I never really took it seriously, you know?
Though amphibians aren't really reptiles, I've lumped them in because there doesn't seem to be a discernible difference at a glance, so they might as well just be reptiles.