After years in the shadows, website Friends Reunited has pounced on a reecent drop in Facebook’s share price to launch a ‘hearts and minds’ takeover bid on the US copycat site. ‘We were the first, the best and we believe the only social networking site,’ said Cynthia, who holds the rights to the website address,...
A white house spokesman has denied that President Trump deliberately snubbed the UK by leaving it off his list of ‘shithouse’ countries. The spokesman said ‘I can assure the people of Great Britain that the president truly regrets not including them along with nations such as Haiti, El Salvador and Nicaragua. Sadly, he misspoke during...
The Royal Surrey County Hospital has been sold to car park operator NCP in the first deal of its kind, although other such sales might soon become commonplace if all goes well according to City financial experts. From March all patients at the Guildford Infirmary will face the prospect of feeding bedside meters at a...
Fogeys, fops and dandies are ‘joyful’ today as the season for using words like ’tis, ’twas and ‘twixt has arrived. ‘I love those olde-worlde, Dickensian words and expressions,’ said articled clerk Roger Tweed, 57. ‘I was only saying to Mrs Tweed on the 16th inst. how splendid it will be to ask people what their...
It has come to our attention that Prince Harry is being forced to have his future wife sign a prenuptial agreement. According to "inside sources", the terms so far state that 'in the event of a termination of marriage' Meghan will be granted ownership of 11 of the original 13 colonies per the boundaries as of 04.July.1776.
British universities could soon be offering students the opportunity to take and pass a degree in their lunchbreak, no longer having to give up their current employment. And for those that can not pay the full the fees, they will have the option of settling the bill by washing up the dishes.
French networking sites, bloggers and newsgroups were abuzz with claims that Johnny Hallyday faked his own death in order to live anonymously. Alleged sightings of the singer are now flooding internet forums with claims that he was seen boarding an aeroplane to Argentina, others say Hallyday had grown a long white beard as a disguise and had even attended his own funeral.
For merely the tenth year in a row, the McClusky household has been thrown into turmoil upon the disquieting discovery that someone failed to put the Christmas lights away tidily. The calumnious deed was made worse by the fact that everything was covered in glitter and pine needles; while the box containing the crib scene...
throngsman
After decades of investigation and cottaging, police have revealed the identity of the man behind the most notorious of crimes – second only to James Corden’s agent. Ahmet Hill, of Croydon, stands accused of a flagrant disregard for toilet hygiene, causing untold blockages and being ‘a terrible advert’ for Wrigley.
In a surprise move, Boris Johnson’s hair has declared itself a sentient being capable of feeling shame and therefore will be dissolving their semi-successful double act at the end of panto season. In fact, the hair, now revealed as Darren Wallis, told reporters that it wishes to be taken more seriously in future. Mr Wallis...
Much to the surprise of shoppers, the UK has reduced its worth by 70% – to the price of a discount Belgium or a top-end electric toothbrush. This Friday, trade deals will be available for a fraction of their original cost, with consumers expected to rush out to buy a 55-inch Smart TV or a...
A Doncaster man has been banned from his local gym after it was found that he had been regularly having a post-workout shower without taking a piss at the same time. The offence was spotted by the male changing room cleaner, who noted that the shower tray remained a pristine white colour after Peter Smith, 24, emerged at 630pm each evening, rather than having the more typical light yellow film around the edges.
Twitter has doubled the number of characters its subscribers can use in their tweets from 140 to 280, sparking both consternation and jubilation across the world. Vehement opponent of the micro-blogging website, Dave Payne’s wife from Carshalton, said: ‘This means I’m not going to see him at all now. It’s been bad enough with a...
While the deactivation of President Trump’s Twitter account has caused consternation, very few people have noticed the absence of Mr, Trump on Friends Reunited. Likewise social media users seem unconcerned that the President has been inactive on iTunes Ping from 2012 and following tensions with North Korea, has barely posted on Friendster. Initially a rogue...
Regional rail enthusiasts Later Anglia are countering the recent cold snap by boosting the temperature in their rail cars to levels that can vaporise tungsten, it has been confirmed. Combined with the recent chill caused by high pressure and a polar maritime air mass across the UK, the company’s latest thermal adjustments mean that commuters...
Titus
For decades, the pen industry has been using women as plentiful source of blue ink; with a typical ratio, of one menstruation to a thousand ballpoints. Sadly ‘Bodyform’ sanitary towels are insisting that ladies abandon their traditional blue hue for an unconvincing red, just like Tony Blair. As we now know, human female DNA has...
Teachers’ unions reacted with dismay today as the Midland Examining Group announced that, for GCSE courses starting from September 2018, it will begin offering a new qualification in ‘Test theory and Examination technique’ with the first exams to be set in summer 2020. ‘We see this as the culmination of a drive by successive governments...