“Following this particular set of rules you’d be drinking an entire fifth of bourbon in the first twelve minutes of the debate,” said Murthy. “It’s just not safe, people.”
“Let’s face it: Angie and I have so much in common.”
Observers have pointed out that HuffPo, as the site is affectionately called by nobody, was stuck with column inches to fill and nothing but actual content to fill them with.
“We did not realize that so many American dog breeds strongly resemble the cute cartoonish monsters with which we populated the Pokemon Go virtual world,” said Nintendo Vice President Hitaro Arakida.
The FBI released a blockbuster report in which it was revealed that the Secretary of State’s real offense was in using an AOL email address for state business.
“I know this is important, because Brexit is the most important meal of the day,” said Brittany Jessup, a junior in public policy at NYU, making a cute frown that caused a little vertical line between her impeccably groomed eyebrows. “And I like English Brexit, because they always have a lot of bacon and stuff. But Brunch is better, because of the mimosas.”
Legendary monarch Arthur has returned from the misty timeless isle of Avalon, claiming that the uncertainty about the nation’s future leadership has prompted him to step out of his mystical retirement to save the nation and take up the mantle of King once more.
“Miranda’s great and all, but this chair has been with me forever,” said Greene, who has no sense of proportion and considers the early 2000s as prehistoric. “I mean, at the end of the day, she won’t always let me sit on her, but the chair never complains.”
The unrepentant terrorist commonly known as Peter “Boom Boom” Cottontail has once again strewn his dangerous wares in yards around the nation, causing widespread panic and pushing bomb squads to their limit as local law enforcement struggles to deal with the situation.
“The quantity of wood I chuck is my own damn business,” snorted Dubois. “This is racism pure and simple. Nobody’s asking Obama how many goddamned pieces of wood he chucked, or whether he could chuck them in the first place.”
Pundits on both sides of the aisle were speechless when Governor Rick Snyder won both the Republican and Democratic primaries in Michigan, despite not being on either ballot.
Republican frontrunner Donald Trump has decided that his wife, a Slovenian ex-model, might not be the right first lady for him.
“Not even a freaking phone call, man,” said Kryptonian immigrant Kal-El, who changed his name to Clark Kent when he arrived at Ellis Island. “The Times said I ‘wasn’t available for comment’. I was totally available. Cellphone on and everything. This is lame.”
Yes, we know it's an odd one. Bear with us. It's Saturday, all right?
“The library is basically lost,” lamented Marlene French, a passerby who valiantly attempted, but failed, to rescue a calico cat wearing a bandanna from the billowing cloud of gluten as it menacingly disseminated down the street. “The city will have to evacuate downtown. Anything else would be totally irresponsible.”
“It’s some kind of amalgam of Latin, Sanskrit, and eighteenth-century Turkish thieves’ cant,” said a frustrated attorney at the firm handling Eco’s estate.
DC has floundered as rival comic company Marvel has soared in recent years. With every record-breaking movie Marvel released, from Iron Man to Guardians of the Galaxy, DC executives tore their hair out and tried to reverse-engineer Marvel’s success.
Don’t panic! There are many things you can do to make the day educational, fun, and tolerable. The key is optimism and planning!
With the unexpected death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus is dismayed at having wasted his last wish from that genie on a sandwich.
The ATF conducted a raid on an illegal meme factory operating out of Boise, Idaho, killing nine and releasing hundreds of animals with ironic expressions and headgear into the wild.