AUSTIN – Pollsters at the University of Texas say that a compilation of polls from across the country show Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump locked in a satirical tie for the presidency. Results showed Clinton with a 45% – 43% lead....
ST. LOUIS – It was a magical moment during an otherwise contentious second presidential debate. Having just exchanged verbal blows over whether each candidate was fit to serve as president or not, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton broke into song in what pundits are calling “the first debate duet in political history.”
CLEVELAND – Hillary Clinton showed off her new campaign plane today, a Boeing 737 that is decked out with one of her campaign slogans on the sides. The plane is being used so members of the media can travel with her. This allows her to pretend she’s giving the press access to her, while still being able to control their environment.
NEW YORK – Huma Abedin, the woman with the worst taste in men, and Hillary Clinton’s shadow, has been burned again by her sexting-addicted husband, Anthony Weiner. This makes the third time, and Huma said today she’s had enough. Anthony Weiner has been caught, once again, sexting to a female stranger.
RIO – American swimming champion, Michael Phelps, has had a long term addiction to gold. And now that he’s thinking about hanging up his Speedo, he’s thinking it may finally be time to address his addiction. Phelps has tried to wean himself off of gold with other medals like silver and bronze, but he relapsed each time and went back to his gold habit.
UNKNOWN – A cell phone video has surfaced showing an unknown man casually ordering his meal at a Taco Bell drive-thru while, at the same time, he records two young ladies taking it to the ground in the parking lot. And the man keeps his concentration like a boss! Who says men can’t multitask?
For your viewing pleasure, the video is provided below.
For your viewing pleasure, the video is provided below.
CLEVELAND – A body language expert has used their scientific analysis to determine Donald Trump’s hidden, past job history – based solely on his hand gestures. Following the conclusion of the Republican National Convention, where he accepted his party’s nomination for President, the expert revealed their findings to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow.
BROOKLYN (The Barbed Wire) - The Hillary Clinton campaign announced today they will be re-introducing Hillary the presidential candidate - AGAIN. For the third time. They promise this version is less buggy and more voter-friendly. We spoke with Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook about the reboot of the reboot to see what's different this time.
NEW YORK (The Barbed Wire) - The mainstream media nearly had a collective orgasm as Hillary Clinton became the first robot to win the nomination of one of the two main parties in American politics. Clinton, a first generation cyborg, will represent the soulless Democratic Party in the November election, unless the FBI pulls the plug on her before then.
SAN ANTONIO (The Barbed Wire) - While it could have been a catastrophe for the child, the recent encounter between a four-year old boy and a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo named Harambe, which ended with the death of the gorilla, has zoos nationwide getting calls from parents asking if their young child could spend some quality one-on-one time with a gorilla.
CINCINNATI (The Barbed Wire) - Lawyers representing the Planet of the Apes (POTA) filed a wrongful death lawsuit in Cincinnati this morning, charging the zoo and the parents of a boy who climbed into the gorilla exhibit with negligence and causing the unnecessary death of their friend, Harambe. Cornelius, lawyer for POTA, said, "Our brother's death is an outrage."
CHICAGO (The Barbed Wire) - The publishers at IDG Books, the company that puts out the "For Dummies" line of informative books, have signed a deal with Hillary Clinton to publish her book teaching the do's and dont's of emails, based on her expertise in the field. The book will be titled "Emails for Hillary's."