AUSTIN – Pollsters at the University of Texas say that a compilation of polls from across the country show Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump locked in a satirical tie for the presidency. Results showed Clinton with a 45% – 43% lead....
ST. LOUIS – It was a magical moment during an otherwise contentious second presidential debate. Having just exchanged verbal blows over whether each candidate was fit to serve as president or not, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton broke into song in what pundits are calling “the first debate duet in political history.”
NEW YORK – During the walk-through before the first presidential debate, Hillary Clinton pointed out something she didn’t think was appropriate on an American debate stage. She asked producers why there needed to be walls covered with graffiti behind both podiums on the big night.
NEW YORK – Hillary Clinton surprised even her own supporters last night when she described Donald Trump supporters as a “basket of adorables.” Some in attendance thought they must have heard her wrong. Was this another short circuit? Or maybe she misspoke?
CALIFORNIA – Apple revealed the newest iPhone today, and many customers aren’t too happy with some of the changes. The company has decided to “cut the cord” with their new “AirPod” wireless earbuds. But have you seen the size of these things??
CLEVELAND – Hillary Clinton showed off her new campaign plane today, a Boeing 737 that is decked out with one of her campaign slogans on the sides. The plane is being used so members of the media can travel with her. This allows her to pretend she’s giving the press access to her, while still being able to control their environment.
NEW YORK – Huma Abedin, the woman with the worst taste in men, and Hillary Clinton’s shadow, has been burned again by her sexting-addicted husband, Anthony Weiner. This makes the third time, and Huma said today she’s had enough. Anthony Weiner has been caught, once again, sexting to a female stranger.
HOLLYWOOD – After feats of strength, please put all the poor health rumors about Hillary Clinton to rest, once and for all. The woman opened a jar of pickles on Jimmy Kimmel’s show this week. Yes, she was sitting. But this is impressive and could only be pulled off by someone as strong as an ox.
WASHINGTON - Recent riots in Milwaukee and unprecedented flooding in Louisiana were not enough to get President Obama off the golf course. But the threat to national security that the Ryan Lochte lying incident in Rio presents for the United States was too much for the president to ignore.
RIO – American swimming champion, Michael Phelps, has had a long term addiction to gold. And now that he’s thinking about hanging up his Speedo, he’s thinking it may finally be time to address his addiction. Phelps has tried to wean himself off of gold with other medals like silver and bronze, but he relapsed each time and went back to his gold habit.
NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Donald Trump has updated his vision for solving America’s illegal immigration problem. Trump has been criticized for his talk about constructing a tall wall along the southern border with Mexico. He’s now thinking a little more futuristic.
NEW YORK – A few Americans were shocked at the photos of a naked Melania Trump, Donald Trump’s wife, on the front page of the NY Post yesterday. Thankfully, the paper has promised ALL Americans that they will not be subjected to having to see naked pictures of Bill Clinton’s wife.
UNKNOWN – A cell phone video has surfaced showing an unknown man casually ordering his meal at a Taco Bell drive-thru while, at the same time, he records two young ladies taking it to the ground in the parking lot. And the man keeps his concentration like a boss! Who says men can’t multitask?
For your viewing pleasure, the video is provided below.
For your viewing pleasure, the video is provided below.
CLEVELAND – A body language expert has used their scientific analysis to determine Donald Trump’s hidden, past job history – based solely on his hand gestures. Following the conclusion of the Republican National Convention, where he accepted his party’s nomination for President, the expert revealed their findings to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow.
BROOKLYN (The Barbed Wire) - The Hillary Clinton campaign announced today they will be re-introducing Hillary the presidential candidate - AGAIN. For the third time. They promise this version is less buggy and more voter-friendly. We spoke with Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook about the reboot of the reboot to see what's different this time.
CALIFORNIA (The Barbed Wire) - As soon as his WINO (Wife In Name Only) Hillary racked up enough delegates to secure the presumptive presidential nomination for the Democrats, Bill Clinton announced he will begin transitioning to a woman in the event that he becomes First Lady this fall.
NEW YORK (The Barbed Wire) - The mainstream media nearly had a collective orgasm as Hillary Clinton became the first robot to win the nomination of one of the two main parties in American politics. Clinton, a first generation cyborg, will represent the soulless Democratic Party in the November election, unless the FBI pulls the plug on her before then.
SAN ANTONIO (The Barbed Wire) - While it could have been a catastrophe for the child, the recent encounter between a four-year old boy and a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo named Harambe, which ended with the death of the gorilla, has zoos nationwide getting calls from parents asking if their young child could spend some quality one-on-one time with a gorilla.
CINCINNATI (The Barbed Wire) - Lawyers representing the Planet of the Apes (POTA) filed a wrongful death lawsuit in Cincinnati this morning, charging the zoo and the parents of a boy who climbed into the gorilla exhibit with negligence and causing the unnecessary death of their friend, Harambe. Cornelius, lawyer for POTA, said, "Our brother's death is an outrage."
CHICAGO (The Barbed Wire) - The publishers at IDG Books, the company that puts out the "For Dummies" line of informative books, have signed a deal with Hillary Clinton to publish her book teaching the do's and dont's of emails, based on her expertise in the field. The book will be titled "Emails for Hillary's."