Andy Murray will receive a personality courtesy of the BBC next year for services to Tennis, with the process of him gradually becoming a 3 dimensional human being shown in a series of documentaries presented by Billy or Melvyn Bragg. Both twins are ‘huge’ tennis fans. One said: ‘Andy is a tennis playing robot at the moment, and an imperfect one at that...
Her usual full-on X-rated programme will instead be confined to late-night schedules.
After hearing stories about his long drives home, getting lost, dirty motels, road rage, speeding, the state of the roads and BMW drivers, Chris Rea's family have finally decided to buy him a SatNav this Christmas.
He's putting everyone on edge' said one passenger from coach F, who apparently managed to escape into the toilet with his mobile phone. 'Wait, hang on, oh no, now he's muttering and trying to catch other people's gaze with his sullen, tutting visage! Send help, send help now!'
Previous Decembers have seen him reliably turn on the Christmas spirit bang on cue, but as the years have gone by, the old man is said to be feeling increasingly cynical about just being expected to just turn it on to fit it in with everyone else's calendar.
‘We fully support all nation’s right to self-determination and identity but also reserve to the right to act like a petulant teenager, who has just been dumped. We’re going to get emotional closure on this. Need I remind you that the US has been obscured from view by a collection of fuzzy-felt stickers since 1776’?
Questions include 'Are you a terrorist?' 'Does your vest contain large amounts of semtex?' and 'Do you have a funny-shaped beard?'
Emotional scenes in London after negotiators finally reached a deal with Simon Cowell to release X-Factor contestants back to their families after six months of gruelling captivity.
A sixteen-year-old part-time assistant at PC World is the surprise winner of this year’s Nobel Prize for Physics. Joe Ward from Northampton was awarded the prize in recognition, say the Nobel Committee, ‘of his outstanding contribution to physics and computer science by correctly advising Mrs Ethel Knight, 62, of Northampton, on how to attach a mouse to a computer USB port’.
Buckingham Palace has confirmed it may withdraw that the Royal Warrant awarded to high street retailer Argos as a result of the third failure of Her Majesty's musical revolving fibre-optic Christmas tree.
Cereal makers were up in almonds today as the government rolled oat proposals to introduce standardised plain packaging for some of the most ludicrously tasty morning meals. The move comes after a review of the health risks linked to the delicious suger-laden snacks found some to be so dangerous they even turn the milk brown.
Posing for photographs outside a drive-thru wedding chapel with a small child of middle-eastern descent hugging his leg, a beaming Donald Trump-Fury told reporters: ‘As I have always said, sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make. But these investments in love are ones I could put off no longer. So without further ado please let me introduce you to my son, Muhammad, and my darling husband, Mrs Trump-Fury!’
Lawyers for convicted murderer, Oscar Pistorius, have come up with a bold plan to save the Olympian from a lengthy prison term. They are arguing that in normal circumstances a person’s whole body is sentenced and then they are entitled to remission and consequently only serve part of the sentence.
Despite being spotted Christmas shopping together in Hamley’s toy store this week, then collecting salads at the Rainforest Café, the Braggs continue to deny a father and son relationship.
A man in central London in the midst of carrying out a murderous attack on a number of Syrians was heckled by a passer-by, who accused him of not being the socialist he claimed to be.
Thousands of Christmas shoppers will be giving the gift of mass destruction this year following the launch of a new ‘Adopt a bomb for Syria’ scheme.
After painful negotiations, a group of teachers has today finally agreed how to allocate the bill from their 2013 Christmas lunch
After Hilary Benn's rousing pro-bombing Daesh in Syria speech on Wednesday, the nation has woken to the shock that they had no idea a man could be called Hilary.
A robust, thorough, no-holds-barred inquiry in to the disastrous fallout from the bombing of Syria has 'already been commissioned', according to government sources.
Jihadists who fail to complete their missions of martyrdom are to be offered an innovative new exit strategy designed by Dignitas, the world leader in assisted suicide.