The announcement came shortly after yet another crushing defeat for Ted as not only did he lose the Indiana primary but he also had his Pizza Hut loyalty card revoked due to undisclosed reasons.
‘We spoke long and hard about what we needed to do,’ said Tom Watson, ‘and this was our final solution. We’re very confident that any mistrust will be exterminated.’
Choppers, who died aged 48, was a much loved star of stage and screen and thousands of fans lined the streets and applauded as her coffin was pushed past on top of a rickety old piano in tribute to the famous PG Tips advert.
The singer of such hits as ‘Baby’ and ‘Never Say Never’ said that it was a decision made after many discussions with friends and family.
Whilst Leicester City and Mark Selby were clinching their titles, Dave Broyles (54) was checking his emails in an almost euphoric trance.
The WSC final is being competed between England’s Mark Selby and China’s Ding Junhui, two men who have both been ranked as the best snooker player in the world at one time or another. Such a hotly contested final is guaranteed to lull millions of Brits into a day-long hypnotic state of hazy boredom.
The shockingly lurid video was leaked to the press months ago, but only now have we been able to reveal the details.
The detailed report claims that the deceased musical genius had levels of funk in his bloodstream way beyond the norm and that his flamboyance count was off the charts.
In a press conference only slightly more unusual than the norm for The Donald, Trump had the cardboard cutout wheeled out on stage and proclaimed it to be infinitely better qualified for the job of Vice President, as well as considerable better looking than Carly Fiorina.
The findings were unearthed as hype for the all-female led cast of the new GhostBusters movie begins in earnest. Many have cried foul over the central premise of the plot, citing that women couldn’t realistically handle the rigours of fighting phantoms.
The switch will take the vote out of the hands of the people and place it into the hands of the elite rich. Rather than a traditional vote, each campaign team will be allowed to place a private bid on how much Presidency is worth. The highest bid will win the Presidency.
‘The new kit allows the players to show the fans how much they care. Nothing says pride, passion and belief more than a crotchless lion costume.’
‘While I don’t condone the file being leaked, it does explain an awful lot about Jeremy Hunt’s job performance,’ said one junior doctor.
‘Brenda would always come into work early with a smile on her face and a song on her lips. She was annoyingly chirpy in the morning, to be honest, but none of us saw this coming,’ said work colleague Sam Brewer.
‘It’s been a pain avoiding talking about spoilers around him these last few years. We knew we’d be able to get him hooked on the show as soon as he got a sight of all the tits on display, we just had to get him to sit down and actually watch it,’ said Adam’s friend, Kyle Tucker.
‘Mr Prime Minister really enjoyed having the President around as he believes it gave him the street cred he so sorely lacks.'
Dave ran his typical 5k around a local park and whipped out his phone to check his time, as he does after every run. But this time, something told him not to share it with all his friends on Facebook and Twitter.
Police raided the Kill Your Dad brewery in East London after local residents complained of meowing and an eggy stench coming from the main building.
Doctors will see their contracts terminated and replaced with the very best Operation players from around the country. This will be decided in a round-robin style tournament that will be televised on ITV and be presented by Ant & Dec.
‘There’s a lot of pressure on us in this draft now,’ said Browns GM Sashi Brown. ‘It’s going to be difficult to miss on every selection but I’m sure we’ll find a way.’