‘It’s been so long since interest rates were increased that we’ve all forgotten how to do it’ said Carney. ‘There was a CD-ROM thingy that I was given on my first day that explained it all but I’ll buggered if I can find it.
'The family has been waiting many years for this piece of paper...' at this point he started searching his pockets and looking worried.
As part of the modernization programme, dissertations and PhD's will be reduced in length, and will now be expected to come in at under 140 characters.
Barry Monkton, a fruit and vegetable stall owner in Melton Mowbray, was offered the idea of being English Football Team Manager's Position to which he replied, 'No chance mate, I wouldn't do that for most of the tea in China.'
Following the shock news of Terry Wogan's death, concerned citizens have rounded up our remaining National Treasures and formed a protective circle around them.
Right-wing sleeper ‘Jezzer’ Corbyn and left-wing sleeper Donald ‘Lenin’ Trump are to be exchanged on the Glienicke Bridge connecting Potsdam with Berlin, following intense diplomatic manoeuvres. ‘Corbyn is a war hero. A Cold War hero who kept our democracy safe from communists’ said an emotional David Cameron as he awaited the exchange. ‘He went deeper...
Money Saving Expert consumer blogger Tim Peake saved a whopping £8.00 on his journey from his home in Chelmsford to work in Sheffield by going via the International Space Station instead of going by rail. Major Peake said ‘Obviously it isn’t for everyone, but if you’re willing to go 3,000 times around the Earth to...
A recent outbreak of the Zeta virus has caused a major public health scare. Thought to be activated by pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones, the virus mainly...
The cross-armed, tutting British public shook their heads in disgust at new spate of flood warnings today, ranging from West Scotland through Cumbria, Wales,
Hundreds of greedy, lying bastards are busily working on persuasive arguments to present to National Lottery organizer Camelot...
Google is launching a new online accountancy service, Google Diddle, just in time for the tax return deadline of 31 January.
The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was spotted by a tourist as he smirked his was across the park, failing to wear a face like a woman giving birth to a breach baby or a man having thumbscrews tightened on his testicles.
Lancashire police have investigated claims by two migrant school children that they had been kidnapped by a cannibalistic old lady and forced to live in a house made of cake and confectionery.
Police say the children, 10 year old Hasten and his sister Ghrezal made the claim during an English lesson at their primary school in Lancashire
Police say the children, 10 year old Hasten and his sister Ghrezal made the claim during an English lesson at their primary school in Lancashire
The Foreign Office is said to be in disarray at the prospect of around five million people arriving back in the UK within the next twelve months, as a result of new UN regulations. Offshore millionaires and home-grown welfare migrants alike are set to flood our shores; with their inability to order anything off a menu unless 'it starts with a number'.
The debate on whether Donald Trump should be banned from entering the UK has ended with MPs casting a spell which will see the property tycoon roam the earth among the festering ranks of the undead until Judgement Day.
'We knew that ultimately we couldn't vote to ban Trump from the UK, which made the debate feel a bit pointless' said Labour MP Jack Dromey.
'We knew that ultimately we couldn't vote to ban Trump from the UK, which made the debate feel a bit pointless' said Labour MP Jack Dromey.
A 34 Year old man from Newcastle Upon Tyne has come out as being Translemon. Mr David O’Connor , a computer programmer, who is married with three children made the shock announcement to his friends and family last week. ‘It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done’ said Mr O’Connor. ‘All my life I’ve felt like a lemon trapped in a man’s body with a craving to be squeezed – tightly, very tightly, as tightly as possible.’
Pope Francis is to stand down after the Vatican released figures which revealed a poorer than expected performance over the Christmas and New Year period. In a statement the Vatican thanked the Pope for his efforts since taking over as Pontiff in 2013 but said that the time had come to explore other options for the future of the church.
The move comes after the Vatican announced that like-for-like attendance at Mass and confession over the festive season fell by 7% while collection-plate income was down by 5% compared to the same period last year. 'The Catholic Church is operating in a very
The move comes after the Vatican announced that like-for-like attendance at Mass and confession over the festive season fell by 7% while collection-plate income was down by 5% compared to the same period last year. 'The Catholic Church is operating in a very
British astronaut Tim Peake has submitted an invoice to the International Space Station's finance office to cover travel and time spent on-site, to the tune of several million pounds.
There are strong rumours that Apple is planning to remove the headphone socket, power socket, screen, battery, processor and case from the iPhone 7 meaning that it will only exist in spiritual form.
Facebook has apologised after it was taken offline by hackers today, prompting an hour of chaos in which people spoke to each other.