Despite his emphatic victory in Nevada there are signs that the gruelling campaign for the Republican nomination is beginning to take its toll on Donald Trump. Addressing supporters at a victory rally Trump appeared to confuse the list of upcoming primaries with the towns mentioned in the popular rhythm and blues standard ‘Route 66′. ‘We’ve...
In line with with the gender pay gap in the UK, the Conservative government has warned 25% of the 'Birth Budget' given to pregnant women must be paid back in the child is female.
While the rest of the UK is forced into deciding which Etonian to be lied to by, residents of Queen Victoria’s ‘favourite place to die’ are somewhat out of-the-loop. Unaware of their EU membership, many islanders were still under the impression that we were fighting Napoleon, seeking reparations from the Romans, and still using Betamax.
Perishing pensioners the length and breadth of Britain have been warmed this morning by news that British Gas has seen its profits rise by 31%. One consumer said: ‘I’ve been rubbing my hands together. Partly with glee, and party because I can’t afford to put the fire on and I’d like to get some feeling...
With all the predictive powers of a magic eight-ball, the Secretary of State for Justice has given his full support and success-rate behind a Brexit. Having previously solved all problems that exist in schools and prisons, campaigners for an EU-exit are confident that the Gove-factor can deliver the same genius that made hydrogen airships today's 'vehicle of choice'.
Sighs of relief today in Western Australia as the source of the 'hairy panic' swamping a town was identified as a molting Boris Johnson who has holidaying near the most affected area of Wangaratta.
National treasures Ant and Dec are to be given to the EU as part of a deal which will see David Cameron secure key concessions on welfare payments to immigrants. The move comes after Polish delegates stormed out of negotiations after the Prime Minister’s opening offer of the Chuckle Brothers and Bonnie Langford appeared to have backfired.
The prime minister has scored a major diplomatic victory after all 112 countries in the Eurovision Song Contest agreed to his proposed swingeing reform of the 40-year-old voting system. After weeks of shuttle diplomacy and charm offensives across the continent, a tired but relieved Mr Cameron announced that a deal had been struck this morning....
Criticising the Unions for refusing to work under bombardment, Jeremy Hunt has threatened to force contracts upon doctors that will see medical professionals dodging shrapnel 24/7. The Health Secretary said that junior doctors in Syria were simply looking for excuses while looking for their patients beneath several tonnes of rubble.
In a study carried out among NHS staff and patients, medical researchers have found that Hunt's Syndrome, an affliction caused by ill-thought out ideas and unbridled ambition, has increased by 20% in the last year alone.
Research by the LIGO Collaboration has revealed that a good accountant can warp space-time as well as your tax bill. A billion light-years from what everyone else pays, two black holes ('what Google owes' and 'what Google makes') have collided to generate a distortion in the fabric of corporate tax codes and bag-douchery.
The Syrian leader appointed Jeremy Hunt, the British health secretary, to lead the review after his recent success negotiating contracts for British doctors. There are concerns that some Syrian people may be unhappy with the current situation, citing dissatisfaction with war, famine, pestilence and death.
‘We have a dedicated team of trained health professionals looking after Daniel round the clock,’ said chairman Tom Werner. ‘He played in the cup match the other night and we told him to keep his fingers crossed that he would avoid an injury, unfortunately he has developed some sort of arthritic condition in his fingers as a result’.
Conservative MPs say they are prepared to take industrial action if junior doctors do not accept the new pay and conditions contract currently on offer. It is not clear what significance the loss of 330 Conservative MPs would have on the running of the country but some experts warn that the impact might be felt as far away as Parliament Square
In anticipation of an influx of Tory grandees into prisons on embezzlement, fraud and sex crimes, David Cameron has promised a radical overhaul of his future accommodation. He is particularly demanding improvements to the silver and turn-down services, with a focus on better fox hunting facilities. A Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘As society we have...
A Surrey housewife has blamed the Met Office for her husband naming his ‘storms of flatulence’. Susan Richards was speaking after Storm Kevin was unleashed under the duvet this morning just before the alarm clock went off. Last Sunday morning Storm Harry, Storm Ingrid and Storm Jackson all hit the marital bed before 9am. Mrs...
The United Nations has confirmed that North Korea is ‘seriously grounded’ after sending a satellite into space. ‘We did consider cancelling their Sky subscription too, but realised that’s why they’ve been launching satellites in the first place. Kim Jong Un is understood to have an Amazon Prime account, too, so sanctions are almost worthless,’ a...
Jeremy Corbyn has finally made his first appearance at the cross-party Parliamentary Fight Club, which dates back to the 1800s and pits MPS in no holds barred, bare-knuckle fighting. He defeated, John Pugh, Lib Dem spokesperson for education, but Fight Club regular Michael Gove, who prefers to fight naked, said that the performance lacked any...
They'd originally said they would claim the launch in 2 weeks time but following Kim Jong-Un's early triumph on an online Photoshop course, they now feel confident the made-up rocket firing would 'take-place' next week.
This sudden influx of mediocre ‘objectionables’ or deficit of exceptional morons (depending on your perspective), leads to the questions - how do you vote for the lesser of all evils, if everyone has cloven hooves and pitchfolk?