Jakerhodes

‘I am aware that this sugar tax will hit the poorest the hardest but I have come up with a fabulous workaround for all concerned. Simply cut your sugar with cocaine and you’ll find that you actually lose weight. By George, I’ve done it again!’ exclaimed Osborne at a press meeting.

‘You’re promised a three day weekend and then it’s over with in the blink of an eye. When I was a young lad a three day weekend would last forever. But now that we’re in the EU we’re getting short changed and they’re over with before they’ve even begun,’ said Cocker.

The picture shows Trump and friends at a grand gathering in his New York mansion dressed from head-to-toe in white robes. While many are calling ‘Ku Klux Klan’, Trump has laughed off the remarks, saying that it was a Halloween party where they all just happened to dress as ghosts.

Popular names like Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba and Gillian Anderson have been eschewed for the two diminutive actors.

Our source in the BBC said that the upper management were furious with the new Top Gear and wish they’d never released Clarkson and company.

Masters, known as Little D to his former female friends, has been forced to admit his life has been a bit of a waste of time after yet another failed venture.

Blair, who has admitted that the Iraq war was a bit of a cock-up that led to the rise of the ISIS terrorist network, has said that electing Jeremy Corbyn would be a step too far.

‘What devil of sorcery is this?’ asked Arba Tidge upon seeing a cocktail served in an actual cocktail glass. Arba, the asexual, androgynous (and yet still bearded) leader of the group posted the picture on Instagram and panic and confusion quickly spread.

The former host of The World of the Psychic stated he had many friends who’d had visions of what Britain would look like outside the European Union.

‘I’m struggling to come up with any other explanation,’ said the Pope. ‘I know God works in mysterious ways but this is f*cking ridiculous.’

Hart, a substitute teacher and exam invigilator, admitted she felt unbridled joy as the colour drained from the faces of the students sitting the unnecessarily complicated exam.

Due to its mammoth nature it is being dubbed ‘Ultimate Weapon’ and, according to some scholars, a very similar creature was described in Mayan scripture.

‘I beat him so bad that I thought he was going to cry,’ said Dave. ‘Piece by piece he went down and all he took from me is a couple of lousy sacrificial pawns. He’s got a long road ahead of him if he ever wants to beat me. God, I feel so alive!’

Bodger & Badger featured Badger as a character with a love of mashed potatoes but soon life imitated art and Badger cultivated his own love of mashed potatoes; a love that became an addiction.

‘They’ve been getting on like a house on fire,’ said the anonymous member of Johnson’s staff. ‘It’s like listening to a couple of teenage girls talking. They share how they maintain their luxurious heads of hair and then they giggle like schoolgirls as they randomly spout out their favourite racial slurs.’

Both Paul and Dana took to Facebook to complain about the lack of quality TV shows on that night; statements that were supported by a combined NINE likes. Yet they still managed to wile away the evening by watching six hours of TV with each other in near silence.

Kaczynski became infamous in the late 90s after being convicted of a 17 year campaign of terror against various people involved in the advancement of modern technology. Yet now the Unabomber has written a series of letters to Apple to ask that they send him the latest (as yet unreleased) version of their iPhone.

Ever since the legendary Fergus Alexson stepped down, the local Greggs have struggled to replace his world class talent as manager. A rotating door of managers and caretakers have passed through. In appointing Jose Mourinho, they feel like they’ve finally got their man.

The Catholic Church are up in arms at what they see as a serious encroachment on their territory.

The players will be stripped, shaved and locked in medieval stocks then towed through London on the back of an open trailer.