VoiceOfReason

"If they do an easier course for me on my mobility scooter count me in."

Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America, a former colony of Great Britain, won a quiz about French Presidents in October 2014, a White House spokesmom admitted last night.

"I've trained my dogs to run when they hear violins playing too. Can't be too careful these days."

"Yea, the bear hasn't quite got the thumbs up thing down yet huh?"

Fears were growing last night that Glastonbury festival goers will try to give Kanye West a taste of his own medicine by urinating on him as he performs, according to at least one message on Twitter last night.

"Hmmm. That sounds horribly like pigs in blankets and we all know how that turned out."

After weeks of denying it, Chris Evans has finally agreed to grow a large stomach and die his hair brown in one of the biggest U-turns in broadcasting history since Channel 5 took over Big Brother.

"Librarian, I would like to read A Tale Of Two Kitties, Phnarf."

"Good wrist strength in the crowd too. It must be all that air guitar."

The woman who's toplessness rocked a mountain range in Malaysia is being approached by The Sun to get them out again on page three, only months after page three was set to be axed and only days after she caused an earthquake in Malaysia.

"Behind every successful catching man is a good woman there to take the bottle of beer out of his hand before he does it. Yeee hargh!" Jessie Krufts, Red Neck

A number of our readers have written in to ask how much it costs now to urinate in the streets in Magaluf following the recent law changes.

"When he takes that white vest off he'll have a white shaped vest shape on his tanned body. Phnarf."

In what has been described as one of the biggest oversights in food marketing history since horse was labeled as cheese four years ago, the major supermarkets are recalling a popular brand of peanut and butter free peanut butter from the shelves.

A noticeably heavier looking Sepp Blatter dropped food he was eating on the ground just moments after resigning allofasudden, according to our man at the scene.

Spoof horoscopes - June 2015

A SELECTION OF OUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS

Hog Huggers Horoscope Of The Millennium So Far
Marsupials Daily, Most Accurate Horoscope, March 2013
Anti Swearing League Horoscope Of The Year Special Mention For Not Cursing, July 2014
Water Slider Horoscope Of The Year 2014
'Funny Horoscope Best Read With Raspberry Jelly-Jam At Breakfast Award' From 'The Toast For Breakfast Jelly-Jam Association' 2013 (also runner up in the 'Blackcurrant Jelly-Jam' category and highly commended in both the Strawberry Jelly-Jam and Marmalade sections)

We have been availab

"I prefer him playing a slacker with no goals and ambitions. Who is this LaBeouf?"

Scotland are to boycott the World Cup in 2018, bringing to 4 the number of World Cups they have boycotted since 1998, according to a source with a pronounced Scottish accent.

"The cat seems to be meowing in English. Hilarious. I bet they can't understand a word it's saying."

Canapes, some including shrimp and rolled up salmon, could be the long looked for link to finding the end of cancer, researchers at a party told our reporter last night.