TheNilAdmirari

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Republican presidential candidate and Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie announced he was doubling his protective detail in his home state. The move followed thousands of threats made by New Jersey citizens to "tar and feather" Christie then "run him out of town on a rail."

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) took part in a special weekend broadcast of Jan Mickelson's extreme-right-wing Iowa radio show. Cruz used the platform to warn Americans "atheist-Muslim-fascist-communist-ISIS-liberal terrorists" wanted to destroy America, religious freedom, and Christianity.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, a TNA poll discovered 71% of Americans were in favor of renewed hostilities between Fox News and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. The mutually assured destruction of both lying, far-right, and bigoted entities was seen as a positive for the political discourse of the country.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Fox News and conservatives from around the country continued to make respectful statements of support and give their best wishes to former President Jimmy Carter, who announced he has brain cancer and a grim prognosis. The reverent tone of the conservative statements to Carter encouraged many Americans that perhaps all semblance of respectful discourse may not have been removed from their country's politics.

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, Former President George W. Bush ignored Republican pleas to pretend he didn't exist and publicly endorsed his brother Jeb for the Republican presidential nomination. The former president gave a press conference from his Crawford, Texas ranch and urged Americans to support Jeb, because "he is a good doobie who will be just like me."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, the Republican National Committee (RNC) updated its platform to make it clear Republicans would never stop denying climate change until "credible evidence" was presented. The platform also clearly declared "the extinction of humanity" as being the only evidence Republicans would find to be genuine.

SEVASTOPOL, CRIMEA (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Russian Television (RT) announced President Vladimir Putin had discovered the ancient lost city of Atlantis only 60 kilometers away from the Black Sea port city of Sevastopol. Putin was engaged in a routine provocative visit to the disputed territory of Crimea when he decided to use his master explorer skills to find Atlantis.

THE WEST BANK, ISRAEL (The Nil Admirari) - Once again, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee escaped from Bellevue Hospital, and somehow ended up in Israel today. Huckabee's second vacation from mental health workers followed his statement about Israelis being led to ovens by President Obama due to the nuclear agreement his administration reached with Iran.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) slammed the Democratic Party, Republican Party, and corporate media for criticizing his decision to run as a Democrat when they were "absolutely responsible" for making any independent candidacy impossible. Sanders also mocked the two-party political system in the United States for being "a complete joke."

DES MOINES, IOWA (The Nil Admirari) - A senior official with Jeb Bush's Super PAC "Right to Rise USA" told TNA on the condition of anonymity today the $10 million-plus ad budget it had to make Jeb likable to Iowa's Republican caucus-goers was "way, way, way, way, too small." The Super PAC official added, "Jeb needs to stop hugging his brother George W. Bush's policies whenever he is asked about them, because that is not helping."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier this morning, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) confirmed a report from last week that it did not have the authority to prevent companies from engaging in stock buybacks. SEC Chair Mary Jo White assured Americans they would all become well-acquainted with what stock buybacks were "when the economy tanks again, basically due to the same type of stock market manipulation and lack of government regulation that caused it the last time."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee somehow escaped from the psychiatric wing he was residing in at Bellevue Hospital. Huckabee announced he wanted to make himself available to CNN so he could tell all of America he agreed with the government of Paraguay denying a 10-year-old rape victim in Asunción an abortion and forcing her to give birth to the child.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) warned Americans if they did not elect him president everyone would die. Graham asserted the United States would only be safe from "those very scary Muslims" under his watch.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush announced his presidency would be a continuation of his brother George W. Bush's presidency in that he would send ground troops back to Iraq, reinstate torture in violation of American and international law, and make every other mistake made by his brother and more. Jeb promised Americans to ignore all of "the allegedly negative consequences" of his brother's presidency, and vowed to return America to "the golden age" of George W. Bush.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump met his "Uncle Bobby" at John F. Kennedy International Airport at 12:30 this morning. Trump flew his uncle in from Sumatra to help with his presidential campaign, and Uncle Bobby arrived with a large entourage of conservationists and primatologists, as well as large boxes full of fruit, bird eggs, bark, leaves, honey, shoots, and insects from home.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Fox News talking head Megyn Kelly announced two nights ago on her show The Kelly Factor she was going to take a ten day vacation. Kelly did not say why she was going on vacation on-air, but an anonymous source at Fox News informed TNA today Kelly was told by her boss Roger Ailes to "take some time off, forget about Donald Trump, and the death threats his supporters keep sending you."

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari): Earlier today, the Republican Party offered to fly former Vice President Dick Cheney and former President George W. Bush to the Hague so they could go before the International Criminal Court (ICC) to face war crimes charges related to their illegal March 2003 invasion - and subsequent occupation - of Iraq. Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus stated the only thing the GOP wanted in return from the Democratic Party was to have Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton arrested for "a bunch of things."

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Fox News announced Iran had launched an attack on the Islamic State's "Muhammad Moon Base 1" believing the base was holding afterlife virgins hostage. Fox News alerted its viewers to the existence of the Islamic State's moon base on July 18th - when it warned of an imminent attack on the United States - and today criticized the Obama Administration's failure to do anything about it.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump threw a kitten off of the 58th floor of Trump Tower this morning. Trump claimed he did it to show everyone he was unstoppable, and polls taken immediately following the incident showed him surging even further ahead of his Republican opponents.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential candidate and former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced all of his paid campaign staff were going to be considered volunteers for the foreseeable future due to a severe lack of money. Perry said he did not think it was a bad sign for his presidential bid, and adopted the brand new position that money should have no place in politics.