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For months, the rival offices have been unable to talk to one another, with a large partition separating what was originally designed to be one large campaign centre.

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Still no word back from Yo Sushi about your idea to have the customers revolve on a conveyor belt while lifting food off the stationary plates. You begin to wonder if they really want to stand out in the crowded raw fish marketplace.

McDonalds has announced the closure of all 46 million of its food-serving 'storefronts' to focus on offering 'degrading bathroom experience's instead. While the sales of ankle-burgers and Chicken-McWaste nuggets have seen a steady decline for the past 19 years, use of McDonald's toilets has been growing rapidly.

The government has announced new measures to help dementia sufferers that it 'intended to introduce this last year, sorry it slipped our minds'. The new measures aim at testing for mental deterioration at age 40 instead of waiting until the Chancellor is voted out of his constituency.

The formerly German head of the UK's monarchy and her Greek husband have apparently strongly come out on favour of leaving the EU. It is thought that the Queen's and her consort's heritage constantly comes up for scrutiny so she would like to put 'all that unpleasant European business' behind her.

‘Maybe George’s best years were behind him, but clearly the man who butchered Bohemian Rhapsody and an excess of information on whether he likes a ‘finger up his butt’ never had any to begin with.’

There was amazement yesterday when local government officer Norbert Stobart discovered that rather than it being 'what it is, there exists the possibility that something can be changed.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, is in talks with Marvel's Agent of SHIELD to root out the Agents of Project Fear, the secret faction intent on launching the terrors of the outside world on Brexit supporters.

Polls today reveal, unambiguously, a majority in favour of 'turning the f@cking telly off' the instant any EU debate is aired. Initially, such reactions were only common when the any of the 'Out' proponents appeared, due to fact that they were a 'monster's ball of thunderc$nts' and to the annoyance factor of the word 'Brexit'.

At the end of the ceremony celebrating his marriage to Jerry Hall, and as is traditional in his marriage ceremonies, Rupert Murdoch unfurled his long leathery wings and scooped up a visually shocked Hall in his feet claws and flew off to his mountain lair. Guests and press remarked on Mr Murdoch's youthful vigour that far belied his advancing years as he circled the venue letting loose his blood-curdling scream.

Groups as diverse as Boko Haram, Al-Shabaab and 'Battersea Dogs and Cats Home' are set to engage in a bitter court battle over who gets the £21 million personal fortune left behind by Osama Bin Laden. The Bin Laden will, which was released by the US government, states that the money is to be spent on: 'Jihad, global terror and a trip to Disneyland for the kids if there's any left over'.

Celebrations on the ‘red offcut’ have continued throughout the week, as Leonardo Dicaprio accepted plaudits for his portrayal of a man mauled by a bear rug. This was a career defining moment for the actor, who had previously focused on lighter roles in ‘Dirty Rattan Scoundrels’ and ‘The Green Pile’.

Buckingham Palace has announced that the Queen is to change her Regnal name to 'Crossrail the First' after consultations with Transport for London. This follows on from Kate Middleton changing her title the 'Duchess of Cambridge' to 'phwoar', to simplify the Daily Telegraph's narrative.

‘Working Class Scots have always seen the threat of genocide by nuclear war as a traditional way of preventing unemployment in the shipbuilding industry,’ said Jock McSmythe of the GMB union as he argued today.

In a signed letter to the Times, some of the worlds richest entrepreneurs say that, had they known years go that taking chances in business or following their dreams or having the courage of their own convictions would later be considered ‘a leap in the dark’ they never would have taken such risks in the first place.

Following decades of criticism of institutional corruption, the FA is proposing we protect our borders and chances of 'winning' by withdrawing from FIFA.

Unemployed John Prestwick of Barnet was said to be in complete shock last night after bookies made him favourite to take the cinematography Oscar at this years awards ceremony. John was nominated for an Oscar for his pirate version of Hurt Locker that he filmed at the Odeon in Watford with his brother in laws' camcorder which critics have since praised for adding a gritty, realistic layer to the original film.

“The economy hasn’t performed anywhere near as well as I guessed,” said the Chancellor today, citing “global warming” as responsible for the poor quality of seaweed used to forecast growth. “Clearly I will have to trim public sector budgets further,” he added, noting that as only a handful of public servants were employed anymore the...

After a number of chocolate bar brands have been withdrawn from sale following the discovery of plastic parts in the sweetmeats, Police have appealed for help to capture of the suspects. In a statement, Scotland Yard said: ‘We will not Fudge the issue; these kinds of people are Bournvillains, and this one Mingles with some...